Happy Birthday

Chapter 1

Hi everyone! Not sure if people are still reading fan fiction about Damie, but I want to practice my writing skills so here we are. Let me know if you like it or if I'm writing for *crickets*
~ty!

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Happy birthday, Dak. I hope your day is filled with confetti, balloons, and love. I miss you.

I read the text message two more times through and finally caught my breath. I didn't have the phone number saved in my phone, but I knew who it was from.

My fingers trembled against my will as I locked my phone and set it on the counter. I hadn't heard from Jamie in over a year. I tried to remember our last conversation. It was harmless enough, but had definitely left me feeling scarred.

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"Jay..." I said softly as we turned the corner and found ourselves facing my car.

I turned towards him and he mirrored my steps. I looked into his eyes and found myself struggling to find the words I knew I needed to say. "I've really enjoyed seeing you tonight and I've loved catching up with you. But..."

He held up his hand. "Dakota, please, don't."

"This is really difficult for me. My feelings haven't changed and I have to draw some boundaries." I took a deep breath. There. I'd said it. I had known for a year this is where we were headed. But, it took every ounce of motivation I had to get the words out.

"Hey, Dakota. What are you saying?" He asked, a look of shock slowly coming over his face.

"I'm saying no, Jay. I can't talk to you, or see you, anymore. It's too painful for me." I tilted my head as I studied his face, looking for some clue of how he felt. I was pretty certain I knew how he'd respond. He'd be sad, but not in the crushing incapacitating way I knew I would be.

"Dakota! What the hell! This isn't fair." Oh shit. I didn't bargain on anger.

"What are you talking about, Jamie? I have to do this. You know how I feel about you." I said, my voice cracking. I was certain he knew, even though I had never voiced my feelings. I took a deep breathe and continued, "Seeing you, talking to you. It's trapping me. I can't move past how I feel if you are still in my life. I need this. Please."

I was begging. And it hurt. But I knew he could hear the plea in my voice and hoped he could see the resolve on my face.
——

In the end, he begrudgingly understood.

But that was it, the last time we spoke. It ended with many, many tears on my end. I thought back to the weeks following that conversation and remembered the heart break I had experienced. In losing Jamie, I had lost someone I had feelings for. But that was all theoretical. What made the loss truly painful was losing a close friend I could trust. We had been through so much in such a short time that we had grown close in a way only filming three feature films can bring you together. And that was over. And I had ended it.

I had deleted his number and told only the few people closest to me what had happened. And after a few months, slowly, very slowly, I started to come alive again.

Reality came crashing back to me as I stood in my kitchen, clutching the counters, finding comfort in something that could keep me grounded.

Today, I am 32. But I feel no more grown up than I did turning 18. When you're young and becoming an adult you're so full of hope and certainty. Certain of who you want to be and what you want in life. And then one day you wake up and you're 32 and your life looks completely different than you had dreamed.

My life is beautiful. But the last year had been hard. After the loss of Jamie, I knew couldn't be with Chris. It wasn't fair to stay in a relationship with someone when I was heartbroken over losing another man. That's one thing you learn as you get older, sometimes love isn't enough. That relationship ending was painful in its own way. I was alone and in my thirties. In the end, it was the right thing to do, but man was it scary.

It opened doors for me to focus on what I wanted. My production company was making projects I was so proud of it made my heart burst thinking about. I had friends I loved with my whole heart. I had finally gotten to a place where I felt whole. All on my own.

And then Jamie texted me. After the initial shock died down, I tried to assess how I was feeling.

I don't have feelings for him anymore. I've known that for certain for a few months. I had seen him from afar at an event earlier in the year and realized I hadn't even considered if he'd be there. That's when I knew I was over him. Over whatever feelings I had.

In retrospect, it was kind of him to text me and remember my birthday. We were far enough removed from the incident that I could text him back, right?

I grabbed a mug from my cupboard, poured myself a cup of coffee coffee, and sank into the couch. I unlocked my phone and read the message again.

Jamie! Thank you so much! My family took care of the confetti and balloons. I appreciate the text, miss you, too.

I smiled, looking around my house. My mom had come over while I was out yesterday and decorated my whole house in an over the top way only moms can get away with. And as far as missing him, it was true, and came without the familiar twinge of guilt I used to feel. I looked back down at my phone and pressed 'send'.