Sekarang

Lacking

Hey.. Hi. Hello. This is awkward but I'm gonna write it anyway. I need to let it out of my chest. If I can be honest with you, I think I kinda like you. I don't know how, why and when this feeling developed but somehow, it did. And I don't think you feel the same way towards me. I don't think the feeling is mutual. And that's okay. I am well aware that feelings like love and interests cannot be force. They just happen. I believe that if I can fall for you for no reason, then maybe you can not fall for me for no reason too.

Since I'm very much aware and admit this cold hard truth, does it hurt? You may ask. No, it does not hurt. But does it makes me sad? Yes, it does make me sad. Actually, I don't even know what am I feeling right now. I thought we got along really well. The long texting, goofy photos we shared with each other, the time we spent playing games together, and the plans for meet up someday in the future, I love every second of it all. We texted every single day for almost a month, without miss. I thought we were vibing. But then you've changed. You no longer text me between games and hangouts. From texting me right after you woke up from sleep, to texting me late in the evening, to complete silence. Not to forget about the late replies. No more questions, and silly textings. Unconsciously, I've been waiting for the notification sound from your text.

Now that they are no longer there, how am I feeling? I feel heavy. I feel hollow. Like there's a huge hole in my heart but it feels like there's a huge knot there too. Sometimes its getting harder to breathe and to focus. Like my vision is blurred by a heavy haze or fog that I have to squint my eyes very hard to see clearly who is there around me just to find no one. Is this how sadness feels like? If yes, then to answer your question earlier, yes I am sad.

The thing is, I'm not sad because of you, solely. I am sad for the thought of how easy people giving up on me. There is always something off about me isn't it? I have always been lacking some things that others seek in a relationship. Be it a romantic relationship or just a friendship. And every time I put myself in one, I have always been the person that feels more and fell harder. The person that got left behind. Why though?

Well, I should not be expecting much from strangers when even the woman that gave birth to me left me behind. If I'm just an option for her, I might as well just an option to everybody else too, right? But seriously , what is that I'm lacking though? Am I not fun enough? Am I too serious? Am I too playful all the time? Am I not pretty enough? Am I a bad person? Am I unreliable? Am I too peculiar for anyone's taste? Am I too bizarre? Am I not attractive enough? Or am I just not worth it? Which one? Or all of them? Tell me so that I can work on it. Be brutally honest with me so that I can fix myself to be a better person. To be someone that's worth it. Because it's too scary standing out here alone but unable to blend in.

Life is too intimidating to go through alone that I somehow created a whole new person in my mind, that follows me everywhere I go. We talk, we laugh, and we wipe each others tears in our rainy days. Is it too crazy? You think I'm crazy? I think I am too. However, in my defense, I only did that because no one ever notices me and my struggles. I thought I could forget this imaginary person and be with you, a real person. No, I'm not expecting you to always be there for me all the time. I understand that you have a life to live too. I just thought we could connect more deeper emotionally, mentally, and physically. But I was wrong, wasn't I? I also thought that you have a change of heart. But now I realized, maybe there's nothing there in your heart in the first place.

Maybe you're attracted to me at first but now you saw that I'm not the person you hope I was, the attraction is lost. And there's no foundation there to help rebuild the attraction. I guess that's what happened and that's okay. I'll try to be okay. This is not the first time so it should be okay. I should be okay. I'm sorry for ranting and saying too many things. Now that I have let it all out, I'll let you go. Thank you for spending time with me these past few weeks, I actually had fun.

Take care 👋🏻.