Still Learning To Heal

Untitled Part 1

Kuroo stood in the doorway frozen, shaking, and staring. Staring at the pool of blood on the bathroom tiles. Staring at Kenma curled up crying. Staring at dozens of fresh cuts scattered on a pale arm. Staring at the stainless steel razor, drenched in blood, that had done all the harm.

It'd been so long since Kuroo had seen this sight. And never this bad.

Kenma used to wear jackets a lot because he got cold easily and because he said it felt like they protected him from the world. They were a barrier between him and everyone else. They were safe. That's why he used to wear them. But that hadn't been the case for many years. Now he wore them to cover up the scars.

From the outside, Kenma's life seemed great. He was rich. He had a company that was doing well. He had a kind and good looking boyfriend and a house and two cats. He seemed strong. Smart. Sure of himself. Not the kind of person that curls up on the floor crying and slicing into their skin.

But Kuroo had learned that there is no way to tell who curls up on the floor crying and slicing into their skin. It could be anyone. It could be Kenma. It was Kenma.

He found that out on a day much like today. He'd finished class early and stopped by Kenma's house. He let himself in with the spare key only to find Kenma on the floor, bleeding, with a blood drenched razor in his hand. And, just like now, he'd stood frozen. He hadn't known what to do or how to even comprehend the sight in front of him. It'd taken multiple apologies from Kenma before he'd been able to crouch down and help him. It'd taken hours for him to comprehend what had happened.

And it'd taken multiple new scars showing up on Kenma's body before Kuroo insisted Kenma get help. Medications. Therapy. A break from school and work. Therapy and time off for Kuroo too. He spent a whole semester with Kenma just travelling or staying home and eating pie while playing all of Kenma's favorite games. They went to America and Bali and some various places in Japan they'd always wanted to see. They spent time just cuddling and talking long walks in the park.

And things had gotten better. They finished school and Kuroo got his dream job but he still made sure to spend time with Kenma as much as Kenma would allow. He stayed as involved as possible. They still took little trips and went to therapy. They adopted two friendly cats and moved in together. Kenma's company and his bank account became extremely successful and his youtube channel grew with it. Kuroo thought they were past the bad. He thought, if they weren't past it, he'd know.

Now Kuroo was learning he was wrong. Relapses happen. And you can't always see them coming. Sometimes you just finish work early, come home, and find your boyfriend bleeding on the floor and it's the only clue you get. Everything just crashes so fast and you can't stop it. You can only clean up the mess.

He didn't need Kenma's voice to pull him out of his trance this time, which was good because Kenma wasn't using his voice this time. Only his golden brown eyes begged for forgiveness or for something. His mouth stayed closed, lips pressed into a thin trembling line.

Kuroo took a deep breath and set the groceries down. He grabbed a towel from the sink and crouched down to Kenma's level, placing the towel over the many cuts. "Put pressure on it while I get the first aid kit."

"I didn't..." Kenma's voice trailed off and Kuroo guessed, whatever Kenma was about to say, he didn't believe it enough himself to try to convince Kuroo of it. That was fine.

"Just put pressure on it, okay?" Kuroo repeated. He took his hand from the towel and waited for Kenma's hand to replace his before going for the med kit.

As he searched for the little box under the sink, he took some more calming breaths and went over what he needed to do to help Kenma. First was taking care of the wounds of course. Then finding out what happened to cause this. And he'd need to call Kenma's therapist, Dr. Toshi, too. Maybe call his boss and take a couple of days off or ask if he could work from home. He supposed it would depend on what Kenma said when they talked. But cleaning up and calming down was first. He grabbed the first aid kit and a damp cloth and brought it over to Kenma.