it shouldn't be this hard.

chapter one

me

Louis

I woke up, everything was grey. My earbuds were still blasting music. I looked at my pillow that had food stains and mascara all over it. I sighed. I putted my head back to my pillow and grabbed my blanket. I decided that i wanted to skip school, third time this week. I tried to force my eyes back shut, but they didn't. I got up and decided that i should try to go to school. I walked to my mirror and just stared at myself grossed. At first, I looked at my ugly long skinny legs with bruises all over them from skating and jumping off roofs. Then i looked at my oversized black hoodie with stains all over them. I rolled my sleeves and looked at my long,bony, skinny bruised hands. I rolled down my sleeves quickly. Then I looked at my face. Pale,bony, with eyebags and dried mascara. My black hair was in a messy bun. I walked over to my desk with dirty dishes covering it. I stared at myself on the mirror and cried a little. I curled my eyelashes and putted on some mascara and little bit blush on my freckled cheeks. I wondered how is my skin so clear, even tho i don't use any products. "Whatever" I said quietly to myself. I got up and grabbed my blue mom jeans and a white oversized zip up hoodie and got dressed. I didn't feel like making my bed, or brushing my teeth, or even eating. I took my messy bun down and decided to wear my greasy hair down. I grabbed my very dirty black air forces and putted them on. I grabbed my earbuds, my phone and my skateboard and rushed to the front door, before my mom would interrupt, too late. "Don't forget your medicine" My mom said quietly so my little brother wouldn't hear. "Thanks" I said emotionless. My mom looked very sad an worried as I left. I kinda feel bad for my mom cuz i don't behave good around her and i'm very rude to her, but she knows i can't control it. I putted my earbuds in and started to listen some music. I started skating towards my school. I didn't eat my meds cuz they make me numb. I blasted Tyler the creator on my buds. I took a cig out of my pocket and started smoking it. I look at my nails and they had black chipped nail polish on them.

I continued skating. This one guy named Louis joined me. We have talked few times in parties but nothing else. I mean he's cute, but I don't catch feelings easily anymore. I noticed that he was talking to me so I took my earbuds out. "Huh?" I asked. "Can I have a cig?" He asked. "Oh, sure whatever" I said and handed him my Malboro cigs and my pink lighter. He took one and gave them back to me. We were quiet for a moment and just skated. "So, where's your boyfriend?" He unexpectedly said. "My what?" I asked and looked at him. "You heard me Angel" He said. "In case you didn't know, me and Oliver broke up like a year ago" I said low key rudely. "Oh, sorry" He said sarcastically. I was kinda mad cuz I didn't want to talk about my ex to anyone. "How do you even know my name?" I asked while looking at him. He didn't look at me even for a second and said "I remember Oliver talking about you long time ago". I didn't know they were friends. I didn't say anything and just continued to skate.

We got to school and separated. I had chemistry. I skated in the hallways until a teacher came towards me. "Oh boy" I said quietly and rolled my eyes. "Miss White stop that now!" She said loudly. I picked my skateboard up and walked to class. I entered the classroom. "Hello miss White find your seat" the teacher said. I looked around the class and there was only one seat left, and it was next to one of my old friends. I stopped being friends with very many people when me and Oliver broke up, bc I thought that pushing people away would make me more happy, it didn't but those old friends are very different and not like me. I sighed and went to my seat. I saw that she looked at me a bit worried but I just pulled my hood over my head.

We started to do the work so I pulled my sleeves up so they didn't distract me. I heard her gasp next to me. I looked at her to see what's wrong and I saw her looking at my hands. I looked at my hands and realized that she saw my cutting scars. "You cut yourself?" She asked worried and quietly. "So what if I do none of your business" I said and continued to do my work. "What the hell Angel why didn't you tell me?!" She freaked out. "Umm probably cuz we're not friends anymore and I don't want your help" I said rudely. "What's wrong with you, you need to get help!" She said. "It's not your business so stop freaking out and in case you didn't know I have gotten enough help at this point so shut the fuck up and never talk to me again!" I yelled at her and everyone was looking at us. I saw tears in her eyes. I grabbed my stuff and quickly ran out to the bathroom. Why did I scream at her? I thought. My therapist told me that this is typical for someone with depression, but it would help if i took my meds, but I didn't. I looked at the mirror and saw mascara running down my face and rubbed it off. This happens way too many times, so I just left.

I'm going to do chapter 2 soon but tell me what you think!🍄