Faking it.

CHAPTER 13

The car ride with Elliot is silent. Again. But this time the radio is playing soft music, making my tense shoulders relax slightly but it seems like it's only adding to Elliot's awkward tension. Out of nowhere he blurts out, "I'm sorry."

I think. "What exactly are you sorry for?"

I see his fingers grip the steering wheel tighter before he answers, "For Noah. For what he did- tried to do. I'm-" I cut him off, "No, don't apologise. It's not your fault. And he didn't really do anything at all." That's when Elliot slams his foot on the breaks and the car comes to a hold. "What the fuck, Hailey?! Why would you say that nothing happened when clearly something did?!" I don't know. I don't know why I'm denying it. But acting as if nothing happened seems like a better option for me right now than anything else. But I don't tell Elliot that. I just shrug and look away. This seems to anger him even more. "Are you serious right now?! Do you have any idea what could've happened if I wasn't there?! Or if no one stopped him like I did?!" He screams and I flinch but then anger rises up in me too, "Or so you're the hero now?"

I let out a sarcastic laugh, "Poor Hailey can't defend herself from a teenage boy. What? Do you somehow get a kick out of playing the hero because if not then what the fuck is your deal right now?! Nothing happened so calm the fuck down and mind your own business!" I look out of the window and recognise the area we are in. It's maybe a ten-minute walk to my house and the sun has just started going down. Without thinking much, I open the car door and step out trying to get as far away from him as I can.

I remember my purse lying on the ground of his car but don't dare to turn around to get it. Damn it. How am I supposed to get into my house without my keys or phone now? I hear him shout my name, but still continue on walking and then I hear footsteps coming closer to me. I feel his hand on my shoulder and quickly turn around. "Don't touch me." I snap and he takes a few steps back. "You forgot this." He says holding my purse out in front of me and I snatch it out of his hands and turn away again.

"So that's it?" I hear him ask, "That's how you want this night to end?"

I ignore him and keep walking.

When I get into my room, I expect myself to break down. To cry. To scream. To show some kind of emotion. But I don't. I do and feel nothing. I am completely quiet.

When Mom greets me, I just give her a slight nod.

When Abby tries to annoy me, I just shut my door and blind out her comments.

When I go to shower, I feel a lump slowly building in my throat.

I wonder replay the night- the one particular moment- over and over in my head. Kind of torturing myself by thinking about it. I have gone through all the possible scenarios of what could have happened and how, while staring at the shower wall in front of me. The water has turned cold now but I don't make a move to get up from my position on the wet floor. The coldness is the only real thing I want to feel right now against my body. The only thing that distracts me from the warm hands that touched my waist earlier. There is still no sign of tears when I get up after mom knocked on the door repeatedly, telling me to get out of the shower if I don't want to pay the bill for all the water that I'm wasting. It's as if my body is waiting for a perfect moment to let all the guards that I've been building for the past few years down. And that moment is when my head hits my pillow and I cry myself into a restless sleep.

The next morning is terrible.

My eyes are red and hurt from all the crying. My body feels like I've been hit by a car and I don't want to move. My mind is wandering from left to right, never taking a break. A big decision now to make. Should I just mop around all day and act as if the world has ended or should I get my ass out of bed and pretend that I don't feel like actual shit. I decide to do the latter. It's not like this is my first time pretending everything is all rainbows and unicorns when it's actually the opposite. I've gotten quite good at it with time.

The only people that I can't fool are Milli and Simon. They notice something's off immediately when they see me and I tell them what had happened the day before, having no intentions to lie to the only two humans in this world that truly understand me. They don't go all batshit crazy on me like El- like he did but tell me what's in the past is in the past and that I can't change it anymore but that I can have an influence on what happens in the future.

We decide to have a sleepover at Milli's since it's a Saturday and I don't want to be at home with Abby or my parents right now. Karaoke is my favourite. We somehow ended up inviting Simon's family over too and us kids are singing to our favourite pop-songs while the parents are laughing at our horrible performance but still enjoying themselves.

Why can't I be part of this family? It's the best family someone could wish for. I know that they told me that I am already family multiple times before, but it's still something different when you are related by blood and have a deeper connection with them than I could ever have.

The pizza and movies afterwards are the cherry on top. These are the moments that I live for. Never would I have even thought about today turning out this great in the morning. But everything comes to an end as nothing lasts forever, when the sun replaces the moon and dusk turns into dawn.