A request for radiogaga09
You know what the easy decision to make would be. The one where it would make everything compact; tied up in a neatly presented package.
You know the choice that would make the most sense, in the grand scheme of things; after all, you'd worked once before, right?
You know what she wants. You know that the dinner invitations she extends don't have as much do with presenting your daughter with two parents who get along as much as they speak to something else. Irina was never really that subtle.
If you were one to make lists of pros and cons of a given situation, if you thought a list would actually be of some help, that is, you'd dutifully procure one. At the top of the pro column, probably the singular inhabitant of the side, if you're being completely honest with yourself, would be three letters.
There were obvious things that drew you to her. Her allure, her almost otherworldly beauty, her sense of humor. What had sparked between you in the beginning had burned bright and then fizzled when you came to the stark realization that you shared a physical connection, albeit a strong one, but you had shit in common. Arguments were an almost daily occurrence and when you weren't arguing, you were barely speaking.
Lea, of course, had changed everything. Whatever you had to work out, you did so, even if it was by sweeping it under the rug. But what's already tentative, what's already fragile, tends to come apart under pressure and when you were making the movie, there was a lot of it. Two very important tipping points in your relationship: one was all the time you spent before actual filming, time away from your family, though you tried, with every ounce of your soul, to be the kind of father yours was. Irina was left on the back burner and you're not proud. The film and being Lea's dad were your only focus and looking back, you knew you weren't really trying to fix anything, more like hold onto an idea of a family, however fractured it may have been.
The second crossroad was in the form of the single most extraordinary woman you've ever met. She can still bring your entire day around from shitty to decent with a text or a brief call; you hear the smile in her voice the second she says your name. When she came down the staircase at her house, all those years ago, it was instantaneous, it walloped you over the head, and there was no looking back. But you both were hyper-aware of the gravity of the situation, who you'd be hurting if there was anything close to an affair, how it went against your morals and hers. You'd always shown great restraint, the two of you. It went unspoken.
Love was another story entirely.
Irina had known, instinctively, for far longer than you'd even admitted to yourself. There were tears and accusations and eventually, a grudging acceptance. And though she'd never demanded you make a choice, not in so many words, you chose Lea. You did what you thought was best for Lea and Stefani encouraged you to; she was fully aware of the fact you'd do anything for your daughter.
It's one night after ordering take-out at her apartment and putting Lea to bed that she tells you how lonely she is, how much she misses you. In the dark, she lays her head on your shoulder and in another lifetime, in a less complicated one, you suppose it wouldn't have taken much thought to press your lips to hers, give in to what she obviously wanted to happen between you.
Instead, you place your hand over hers; a warning. "Please," you hear yourself saying as you pull away as gently as you can. "Iri---"
She cuts you off, her eyes shining with humiliation. "No, it's okay. I'm sorry, I thought---"
You can't stand to sit there, watching her save face so you get up, mumble your thanks for dinner. You know there's more you should be saying, more you could say, but you peck her cheek awkwardly and somehow make your way out into the cool October evening.
