Your Ex, Barbara Kean

Big, Beautiful....

Erm...you know...Babs and Riddler gonna... y'know........

*Warning: smut*

*Pairing: Stupid!Edward and season 4!Barbara*

(Okay, watch me be good at writing gay and lesbian smut but be awful at writing hetero smut!)

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Barbara POV
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I sit at the bar, drinking away the pain of Ghul's betrayal. He used me. Used me to get a stupid knife and had Bruce Wayne kill him. He killed an innocent kid and made Bruce Wayne kill!

And Lee's out there somewhere, probably out playing doctor of the narrows! And here I am, crazy, drunk, beautiful, back-from-the-dead, heartbroken, queen for literally a day, Arkham escapee, mental patient, murderess of the narrows, shortened it's just crazy drunk bitch of the narrows.

"Grundy kill!"

"Get him!" I slur my shout, is the floor closer to my face?

Suddenly I'm in somebody's arms. I look up at the stranger.

"Well, hello handsome!" I giggle. How many tequila shots have I done? Hmm, not enough...

"Barbara?" The familiar hot nerd says.

"EDIEEEEEE!!!! Come on, drink! Drink with me!"

"Is this about Ra'as? This self destructive behavior isn't helping anything, believe me..."

"Screw RAAASSSHHH!!! I DON'T NEED HIM!!!" I scream, laughing hysterically.

"You should lay down! You're gonna pass out any minute!"

My inhibitions don't exist. I grab him by the collar and start kissing him, and he's not backing up. Wow, he can KISS!

"Come on! Draaanks!!!" I yell when we pull apart.

I grab the bottle of tequila from the bar and shove it in his hand.

"Drink! Come on!"

"You're gonna regret this!"

"NO REGRETS FUCK DA PENGUIN!!!" I yell out.

Ed puts the bottle to his mouth and drinks. But he obviously doesn't know how to drink.

"Drink it all! Whoo!"

"God! That stuff is awful!"

I snatch the partial bottle and chug the rest down. Hmm...this tastes better than before...

"Tastes better with you in it..." I giggle drunkenly, laughing at nothing. Hmmm...I wonder...I kiss him again, and yeah tequila tastes good on him...

"Wow!" I slur out.

"Let's get drunk! Come on, Eddie!!! I want some Scotch!!!" I yell out.

Five shots of that shit, we is FLYYINGGG!!!! Wowza!!! He's funny drunk...

He takes me up to his apartment, and we end up making out on his bed. 

"Edward..." I say quietly, giggling drunkenly.

"Barbara..." He slurs. Maybe I shouldn't have forced him to drink all that alcohol...silly little lightweight...

But the sex....

Wow, wow, WOW. He really is a genius...

I could barely breathe after all that. I'm sure all of gotham knows his name because of me...my throat is sore...and not entirely from screaming his name all night...part of it was caused by his big, beautiful di--

I wake the next morning, hungover as hell. I look next to me and see a sight I never thought I'd see. Edward fucking Nygma next to me, naked. I lay here and watch him for a while. He's so gorgeous....
Who gave him the right to have cheekbones like that? The Gods took their time when they made him. Beautiful, sexy, handsome, attractive, pretty, cute, hot, fun, clever, hilarious, and really, really, REALLY good in bed...just...wow.. he's nothing like the idiots I dated before, he's so much more...

Renee, Jim, Tabitha, Ra'as, they have nothing on Edward Nygma...there may not be a Barbara and Tabitha anymore, but there's definitely gonna be a Barbara and Edward...

And besides...

Nygmakean has a nice ring to it...

He moans softly as he opens his eyes sluggishly. Aw, my little lightweight is hungover....

Ed POV

"I'm dying..." I moan, my head throbbing in agony.

"Well good morning, dying, I'm Barbara..." A familiar voice jokes.

Holy shit! How much did I drink?!

"Barbara?! What? How? Why? What?!" I am in shock, now sitting straight up against the headboard. What the fuck happened last night?!!!?!?!??!?!

"We got drunk and banged. It's alright, I was just headed out..." She says sweetly, kissing my cheek before hopping out of bed and tracking down her clothes.

She's...she's beautiful...truly, I've never really been with anyone that pretty. And she's blonde. Oh, we remember what happened with the last blonde, right?...wait, who was the last blonde? I know she died...did I kill her? I tend to do that a lot....I think her name was lizabells or something...

"Love the compliment but I'm sure her name was Isabella...and Ozzie killed her...not you..." Barbara pipes up.

"I said that out loud?!"

"Yep! You really did! Where's my underwear?" She says quietly, searching around on the floor for her thong panties...wait...the undies I'm wearing aren't mine...shit...

"Uh, I think I know what happened to them..."

"Oh! Right! HAHA! That's where they went! Yeah, you can keep them, I have more just like them..."

"Uh... okay, I guess..."

"I loved last night, baby..." She says warmly, pecking me on the lips.

"Then...let's go get a coffee?"

Aw heck yeah this was...wow...