my book of random things

That one time that I got eaten by a hospital

I couldn't feel anything. 

The world was slowly fading in and out of darkness, like flashing lights in an abandoned building. Neon luminescence highlighted the cracks and cast an eerie glow upon the dingy yellow walls. I felt trapped. I had that sort of feeling, the feeling where you're not quite sure what's going on or why you're terrified but your brain is constantly screaming at you to run.

I guess it's just my luck, this is why you're never supposed to explore abandoned buildings by yourself. Then again, how many abandoned buildings do you know that are haunted and try to eat you alive. None. Not one. Well except from this one but it doesn't really count seen as it's a hospital rather than a building.

That's really besides the point though. I'm trapped and I can't escape. All I can do is stare, stare at the wall, the wall that seems to be glaring back at me and rippling in anger. Wait. 

Grumbling and growling, a mouth appears from a tear in the blotched and fading paint. The lights seem to be flickering less now as if the building wanted to present is huge fucking mouth that was going to devour me and turn me into a pulverised clump of desperate gayness. I'm too queer to die but I highly doubt that if I told this homicidal hospital that eating me would be a hate crime wouldn't just decrease the time I had left alive.

Now, I understand that this was not the time for judgement but... whatever this uh mouth thing was, seriously needed to brush its teeth or should I say fangs. However I can empathise with this weird mouth hole thing, no wonder it's so angry. His dental hygiene is absolutely appalling , I do wonder if they would make a toothbrush big enough for those whopping big chomping tools.

Said pulverisation station seemed to be able to read my mind and then sprouted wrinkled arms.

They. Had. Claws.

Obviously they were painted a very whorish colour. A really obnoxious crimson hue with crusty dusty sparkles. I was kind of digging the look though, I mean them sparkles really brought out the old and hairy arms. That were also coincidentally reaching towards me in slow motion. And I say in slow motion because they were literally so slow. 

Eventually, they grabbed my foot and started to drag me away. Only now did my body allow me to move, seems like my brain dislikes the ugly nails touching us. Which I can understand because red is very much a 'grandma going to bingo' colour and god damn I would rather die then die wearing red. 

Well.

I'm going to die regardless really.

I flipped onto my back and clawed desperately at that stupid fucking carpet that genuinely smelt like someone rubbed their sweaty arse on it. But still I clung to it, however, surprise surprise it was not glued down by gorilla glue. So I just had an arse smelling scarf. 

And to make matters worse, it was fucking red.

So as I was being dragged, I thought. Thought about everything, yknow the stuff that I would do differently and that. I came to a conclusion in that moment. That I have no regrets. 

Even when I dated shrek and then cheated on him with megamind all the while having sugar daddy Gordon Ramsay pamper me on the side, I still have no regrets. I mean have you seen them? one word. Hot.

Anyways, Mrs poor dental hygiene had managed to actually get my feet into his mouth (gotta respect the pronouns) and I can tell you honestly that I was pleasantly surprised at the warm and damp cavern that was their mouth. It was like being in uh... your mum? 

The tongue however was a turn off. 

I did not like the slime and gunk that resided on it nor the curling and rolling of it underneath me, but it did offer a nice back massage as I waited to be consumed. It even got out this one knot in my shoulder that no amount of relations with your mother could get rid of so at leas Jedward had that going for her. Yes I've named Mx Mouth. 

Unos momentos despues, I was now fully inside the mouth and had now claimed it as my new home. It was rather humid but I could get used to the heat and the pungent odour. I was a bit concerned though with the fact that I was still alive. I figured it would be a case of bang and the person was chomped. Apparently not.

As I waited in my new residencey, I did the good old reminiscing about shrek and his great greeness. My guy was so green that one time I took him on this picnic because he was sad after Fiona broke up with him because she saw by queer ass and was threatened or whatever and my guy shrek disappeared in the field. I only found him again when I cracked open the pickled onion. Ah the good old days.

Thinking of shrek made me think of megamind next. Oh my his blueness just really spoke to me, not to mention his wonderfully large forehead. 

In someways he reminded me of my passport. My brother Boris decided to make them a unique Bloo colour. Like blue but way better. Megamind was way better than the passport though. He spoke to me with such passion and love that I forgot all about the world for hours on end when he spoke. I suppose in a way I used him to heal myself from the heartbreak over shrek. Maybe I regretted that. 

Maybe.

Gargles came from the back of Mx Mouths throat and I figured that he had finally got her act together and decided to eat me so with my final moments I thought of Gordon.

I remember leaving Megamind in search of something new and I happened to stumble into the master chef kitchens.

All I remember was hearing this commanding voice and I knew I had to stay. So I stuck around and baffled them all with my 8th set maths cooking skills. Mr Ramsay liked my creativity and my uh raw approach to food. One thing bled into another and he was teaching me how to cook and not give people food poisoning. He was definitely way older but hey, the man could cook. He also bought me a blender which was a massive plus in my book... I miss that blender.

The opening of the wet and slimy cavern was now closing and the huge chomping tools were coming down to pulverise me. All I could think about was the picnic, the talks I had with Megamind and that beautiful blender. 

This was the end. 

Thank fuck.