Love you but lonely

Warnings: Features aftermath of Yibo's last race, angst.

Yibo told himself to let go. He told that a thousand times.

The day he waited for since last year, the moment he anticipated so much, everything was gone in a blink of an eye, just like a fleeting dream.

He knows well that some people think his attitude is too flippant. For them he's just a celebrity who dares to compete without a proper training, someone they can judge easily. They don't know me. He fought hard. Fought with sore muscles, sleep deprivation and exhaustion because racing was his passion. He was willing to push himself to the limits, he truly was.

I know how important it is for you. We can just make an earlier celebration, so don't let it ruin your excitement over the race and remember to wear your necklace, my star.

He couldn't be there with his lover on the 5th of October. Xiao Zhan indulged him like always, easily dispersing his doubts and worries with an understanding smile. But it was all for nothing.

Why? Why did it have to end like this...?

He still can see the other guy's mocking smile.

He still can hear their vicious laughter, their obvious cheering when his engine wouldn't go off no matter how many times he tried.

He can feel all the hands stopping him from punching that bastard's face.

Yibo limps slowly towards the mirror, taking off his t-shirt soaked in sweat. He has to clench his teeth while dealing with the pants, though. There's a huge, ugly bruise on his waist, but his leg looks much, much worse, all purple and swollen from the accident's impact. He tried to ignore pain in front of everyone, not wanting to reveal his weakness, but now it weighs down on him with a realization that this year's chance is wasted. Everything's over. I didn't make it.

He should be used to hate and backstabbing. After all underhanded methods are a common occurrence in entertainment circles, but sometimes he still feels like a lost little kid. Was it naive of him to expect that sport would be different? Was he really foolish to think that people want to win with their own strength?

The feeling of regret swells up inside him, something more than just unwillingness caused by a competitive spirit or ambition. He feels isolated yet again, not able to reveal it in front of his team. Not even in front of Xiao Zhan, who always spoils and supports him. How could he trouble Zhan-ge with his problems in such a difficult time?

I'm such a child. I should be smarter by now.

Yibo's shivering, the hotel room feels too spacious and cold all of sudden, too lonely. The distance between him and the bed is so vast he can't cover it, no strength left. At first he was shocked, then he was angry, mad even. But he's too tired now. He falls to the ground, all sore and aching, but it's still nothing in comparison to helplessness weighing heavily on his chest. Bitter tears wells up in his eyes.

'It's painful, Zhan-ge. It hurts so much', he sobs in the silent four walls.

***

His schedule is fully packed yet again. There's barely any time for three daily video calls with Xiao Zhan and it makes Yibo feel restless. Landscapes flash in front of his eyes, but he doesn't really notice them, listening to the Light Spot  for who knows which time to fill a void. Zhan-ge is on the film set right now, their current paths diverging constantly and making it hard to keep in touch. He could clearly see a distress, concern and worry in his lover's gaze when they talked the last time, so he chose to act tough.