Daily MEMES

Vent (don't read if you're sensitive to suicidal topics)

I hate myself. It isn't because of the people around me and the toxicity, it's just because I've been feeling more down and lonely. I've lost so many friends because I was stupid, stubborn, and a bitch. Some of those friends weren't even toxic, it was me who was toxic at the time and me who'd lost the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life. I've been feeling less motivated to try to do anything anymore, and I've been feeling more depressed than usual because I've lost a friend who I loved recently all because I was worried about her mental health. She used to cut, but later on I started thinking that I was making her mental health worse and worse, so I told her that I shouldn't talk to her for the sake of her life. I ended up making the biggest mistake of my life by saying that, but I truly believed it wouldn't end well for her if we stayed friends. All I want to do is just let go of life and be free, I don't want to feel like I'm confined in a jail cell 24/7. I can't make any of my own choices without feeling like I did something wrong, because whenever I do anything, people judge me for it. I used to be toxic, but now people only know me as toxic. I don't think I'm a toxic person anymore, but I guess I was wrong. I want to be able to pursue my dreams and want to be happy, but I can't do that living in this hell of a world. and I feel like people think I'm dramatic for being overly sensitive and crying easily. I just want someone to be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. I always bottle my emotions up and they end up overflowing or exploding and I start to drive myself away from everyone, leaving them in the dark. I'm a horrible person. I know people care and I'm not alone, but what if I'm not as amazing as my online friends think I am on the other side of the screen? what if my personality is totally different from what they know, and they hate it? People judge me at first glance and think I'm a lowlife with no reason to live. And they're right, I am a low life. I don't have a reason to live. I'm shallow and misleading, I tell lies to make people satisfied with me, I'm an attention seeker, I have no depth to me whatsoever, I'm boring, but I just want someone to come and give me a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to look at me and think, 'she has potential' or, 'she might not be as bad as everyone says she is' or even 'I could give her a chance..' but no one thinks to give the ugly retarded low life a chance. and everyone would just be better of if I was dead. I wish sometimes I could just curl up in a ball and die. I never asked to be born into this world, I never asked to be given this cumbersome body, and I never asked to be tortured and neglected. My past therapists always said the same thing. "After rain there's always a rainbow" But what if there isn't? What if at the end of rain, there's just more and more rain? What if there's a flood? A flood of emotions all put into one small bottle, shattering at any moment. What if, at the end, there's just a single rope and chair..? What if I don't want to live anymore? What if I don't want that rainbow? Or if I don't want to go through anymore suffering and just end it while I can? I always ask myself these things.. People just don't understand. I know that I may seem like just another random girl online who acts like they're depressed and shit, but I'm really not.. I just want someone to care for me.. but no one understands. It sucks yknow? "she's just another attention seeker" or "just deal with it it's not that deep" no one fucking understands and it isn't right. I just don't want to go on anymore..