hello everyone! this may seem sudden, but - I'd rather leave on a sooner note instead of leading you all on believing that I'd return fresh and new as that's what breaks are somewhat for. but, I'm making a decision as it's been lingering in my mind for a while.
I haven't been happy on this account lately, I think the expectations of nine thousand people and the numbers growing is setting a lot of pressure on me as I believe that I have to write stories that fall under everyone's liking. I noticed a lot of people tend to enjoy my older stories - the one's from last year and so on from the past. personally, I'm not happy with most of them. to be clean with all of you, I've had thoughts of leaving a couple of months before making this. during the time of the whole hacking and everything, I found myself a bit happier; but, I still missed it here and being able to continue everything safely.
when I started writing on this account, I was fourteen. currently seventeen. stray kids were freshly placed into their survival show and I began writing stories about them once they debuted. I was an impulsive writer, stupid, and was still learning. to be fair, I have no clue what happened in most of my fics - I chose to forget about them and I'm only keeping them up since there are a vast amount of people who seem to enjoy them. there are "jokes" that I don't view as jokes and cool for comedy use anymore - for say meanhoe
there were times where his name would autocorrect to 'minhoe' and I barely revised back then. so, I'm sorry if there are times where you see his name pop up like that. it wasn't my intention. I think the reason why I'm unhappy is because a form of self-hate had accumulated after recognizing the faults and flaws in most of my older stories - I try to forget and remind myself that growth is present in my newer stories. but, I can't stir up anything for stray kids.
that's another problem as well. I'm known as a writer who focuses on stray kids - a lot of stays have followed me and I'm glad to have your support. but, I just feel so disconnected from them when it comes to writing about them. I just think I lost my touch with them - it doesn't flow as easily, I don't smile when I think I've created something nice, and there isn't a small celebration done when I've finished a chapter. it's more of a relieved sigh from a chore being completed.
I don't want to lead you guys on; but, I feel like I already have with the story ideas I've given out. I feel so drained, tired, a bit sick opening a new part and I can't seem to get rid of it. I enjoy writing, I do - but, feeling like this won't allow me to create works that'll be enjoyable for you all as the work would be crappy and maybe even forced. I don't want that for you all.
also, regarding woojin. I've got so much on my plate, that's another thing I've been needing to tackle. I've been so busy to where I haven't had much time to revise my stories to remove him - I have about 20+ stray kids fanfictions and I'm sure he's in a vast amount of them. to be honest, I'm getting uncomfortable by the fact that you all keep bringing him up - I understand that there are a great amount who now dislike him and have decided to forget about him; but, it makes me feel terrible knowing that he's in my stories and I can't quickly remove him out of them. it's as if I'm supporting him which I'm against and I've cried about not being fast for you all as I know there are readers out there who are uneasy seeing his name.
but, I feel like I can't keep up, the pressure, the growing amount of followers, and the expectations some may have. I'm scared of going into something without even knowing the outcome because I've unpublished so many stories before due to burnouts. I can't keep doing this to me, to you. It's just not right if I can't be happy writing - I have ideas I'd love to share and create but - with the circumstances of COVID, distance learning, and college applications -
I'm just not in the right mind to. so, instead of keeping you all waiting for my hiatus to end. I'd rather leave on a note claiming my next steps. I will never forget the positive memories I've made on this account, the achievements I've felt, and of course the support from all of you. I know this is so soon, something some may have expected or unexpected. I'm sorry to leave; but this is not a complete goodbye as my passion for writing hasn't completely left me.
but, it is still difficult for me to leave. although my whole situation sounds a bit terrible, I don't want to leave you all without anything completed. knowing that stories have been ongoing and rarely updated - I see your comments; trust me I read all of them. I'm sorry that I can't write a new chapter - somedays I just want to reply to you all and give out the ending on spot. but, what's the point. I had contradicting thoughts, my own mind fighting itself as I couldn't make a firm choice. but, here I am.
I'll check in from time to time as I know some individuals are in the process of translating my stories. but, thank you much for everything. these past three years have been fun and this account was my escape from my own lingering worries. you all allowed me breathe, but, the pressure has now led me to holding my breath. I hope to see you all soon, if not, cheers and I will cherish everything you all have given to me. I hope I was able to make some of your days better, ease your stress, and give you a smile whether if it was from my stories or me myself. <3
one day, let's meet again. whether if it's months from now, or so on. :)
- cat / HONEYJOONZ
feb 19, 2017 — oct 14, 2020
