ME & HIM ✔︎

10

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UPDATED.
•••

   I woke up around 3 in the morning.

Still half asleep, I noticed how cold I was. Shivering, I saw my hands trembling uncontrollably. I tucked them beneath my sweater, curling up tighter, and tried to take deep breaths. It didn't help. My legs were shaking terribly, and every muscle felt tight with tension. Not wanting to disturb anyone in the house, I crept out of bed and locked myself in the bathroom.

I thought I was having a seizure.

The panic hit me like a wave. My breath caught in my throat, and tears welled up as the fear grew sharper. This was it, I thought. I was vanishing, slipping away, and no one noticed. No one seemed to care, no one could feel what was happening inside me.

No one had ever really wanted me. And, strangely, I didn't even want me anymore. It was like I didn't fit in my own skin, like I could just step out of myself and return it, like a shirt that didn't fit right. I wished I could take off this body and disappear.

My heart raced violently in my chest, every beat a reminder of my fear. Sweat beaded on my forehead, but I still felt cold. My chest hurt—sharp, tight pain that made me think I might throw up. Everything was spiraling out of control, and I was losing myself to it. I took deep breaths, forcing myself to slow down, to hold on to something, anything.

For an hour, I sat on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, trembling and confused, my eyes burning from crying. My head was filled with a whirlwind of thoughts that made no sense, yet all seemed too real. I didn't know what was happening. I just felt... terrified, so much so that I locked myself away like that would somehow stop whatever was overtaking me.

Eventually, I got up and walked over to my bedroom window. I stared out at the street, waiting—hoping—for something to pass by, something to remind me that there was still life outside, still something real. But the street was empty, silent. I realized that's what I wanted: emptiness. To be gone, like the world outside was at that moment.

I quietly opened the window and climbed down, landing softly on the sidewalk. I walked through the stillness of the night for hours, wandering without any direction, without any thoughts except that I needed to be away. Eventually, exhaustion caught up with me, and I knew I had to sleep if I was going to survive school the next day.

•••

     I was exhausted—drained in every sense of the word. The weight of it all hung heavily beneath my eyes, the deep bags making it impossible to hide how far I'd fallen. I couldn't even let Clarissa see me this morning. The thought of her concerned face made my stomach twist, so I avoided everyone, drifting through school like a ghost, barely aware of the world around me.

It's been a week since I ran into Cameron. Finding out that the woman I worked for was his mother was a surprise, to say the least. The realization hit me like a truck: I'd be seeing more of him than I'd ever planned. Not that it mattered—at least, I told myself it didn't.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Behind the school, I spotted him. Cameron stood there, staring at the ground, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. I hesitated, then approached, the gravel crunching under my feet. He glanced up briefly, eyes cold, before returning his gaze to his shoes.

"What do you want?" he asked, his tone sharp, cutting through the silence.

"It's you," I muttered, feeling instantly foolish as soon as the words left my mouth. Of course, it was him. Who else would it be?

He raised his eyebrows, but his face stayed expressionless, offering no warmth, no acknowledgment. I wasn't expecting a smile or even a nod, but something other than this chill would've been nice.