Rae's Remorse (My Mad Fat Diary, Season 2)

I'm sorry

Hi everybody, thank you for reading my short story!
This story takes place just after Season 2, Episode 5 of My Mad Fat Diary.  Happy reading!

 Rae slumped into the hard wooden dining room chair, and sighed. Why do I fuck everything up? She thought to herself as she examined the photograph of her mother’s baby scan with pain staking remorse. She delicately traced her finger along the picture, a regretful expression slowly developing upon her face. I’m sorry, mum. I’m sorry for being such a dickhead. She carefully placed the photo back onto the dining table, propping it up beside the plant pot. She tried to quietly creep upstairs, although every step creaked under her weight.

She opened her bedroom door slowly and didn’t bother to turn on the light. She furiously ripped off her leather jacket and flung it to the floor, angry at herself. Angry at how Liam had hurt her so deeply with his insensitive comment. Angry at how Kester hadn’t let her in his home in her time of need. Angry at how Finn could just leave without saying goodbye. To be continued. Yeah fucking right.

She began to sob uncontrollably, hitting her mattress in fury. He could have stayed one more night. One more night. She knew she was too late with her revelation that she too needed Finn. That she too could not go on without his warm and loving embrace. Without his soft and gentle kisses. The kisses that made her reel from pure ecstasy. Oh how she longed to be loved by him again. To find solace in his arms. He loved her so deeply. She knew that now. Now. It was too late.

She dabbed at her tear soaked face with a Kleenex, carefully drying her delicate skin; catching fresh tears as they rolled down her soft cheeks. She lay on her bed and stared at the dark blur which was her ceiling. 

Rae woke up from her restless sleep, still clothed from last night. Mascara was smudged under her exhausted eyes. Her red lipstick had been smudged by her constant tossing and turning. She got dressed into fresh clothes, feeling hopeless she walked to the bathroom. The cold water she splashed on her face made her shudder. She washed away the stubborn make up stains and patted her face dry with a soft towel.

She had lost the will to do anything. Everything in her life had broken apart. She padded downstairs and apprehensively peered around to ensure her mother did not see her. The last thing she needed was to be reminded of how awful she had acted. How selfish she had been. How upset her mother must have felt when she stabbed her with her vicious words. She walked into the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea.

As she sat stirring the hot beverage round and round in the delicate china cup, her mother walked in, dressed in her frumpy pyjamas. Her stomach protruded with the little bundle of life that was growing inside her.

Guilt swept over  Rae as her mother made her second cup of tea, ignoring her daughters presence. Rae bit her lip nervously and stared at her feet. Her mother sighed waiting for the kettle to boil. Rae looked up at her mother’s stomach and then at her face.

“Mum...” she began as her mother stared ahead. “I’m so sorry...”

She could see the anger in her mother’s eyes as they glared at the wall, almost burning a hole into the plaster.

"I didn’t mean anything that I said. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. That I let you down. I’m sorry mum. If me moving out is what you really want, I’ll go right now. And to be honest I don’t blame you for wanting me out. You deserve a better daughter....” she trailed off, tears welling in her eyes. Her mother continued to stare at the wall, this time with sadness in her eyes.

Rae’s chair scraped across the floor as she slowly got up and headed towards the door.

“Rae.” Her mother said sternly with her hand placed protectively on her bulging stomach. “Turn around right now.”

Rae slowly turned, facing her mother who was now looking at her furiously.

“You were bang out of order, you were!” She spewed. “You had no right to disrespect me like that! No right!”

Rae opened her mouth to once again apologise but her mother’s furious outburst interrupted.

“Here I was, worried for your safety and you act like you don’t give a damn! I have never seen you act so irresponsible in my whole life! You want to prove to me you’re not a child anymore? Well start acting like an god damn adult!” Her mother’s eyes were filled with fury. Rae’s eyes welled with tears and she shamefully looked down at her muddy converse sneakers.

“Mum...I am so so sorry.” She sobbed “I had no right to treat you like that. I was selfish and I know you cared, I know I made you worry and I should have never spoken to you like that” tears streamed down her face as her mother glared. “Please accept my apology” Rae pleaded.

“I’ll give you one more chance, Rae.” Her mother warned “And if you act that way ever again, you will not be living under this roof! Do you hear me?” She bellowed.

Rae’s eyes filled with remorse.
“Yes mum, thank you.. I’m so sorry...” She wiped her watery eyes and runny nose with her sleeve and walked towards her mother.

Her arms flung around her prominent stomach as she embraced her. She stiffened and then relaxed, finally giving in. Her arms were tightly woven around her daughter. They shared the embrace for a few moments and then Rae looked up at her mother’s face.

“How was the scan?” she asked timidly, feeling guilty that she wasn’t there for her.

“It was fine, Rae. I’m 6 months along now, I want the sex of the baby to be a surprise.” Rae smiled a little and placed her hand on her mother’s stomach.

“It’s weird knowing I’ll soon have a baby brother or sister” she admitted.

“Yeah well you better get used to it, the way you carried on the other night I ought to sentence you to a year’s worth of dirty nappy changing.”

Rae smiled at her mother, and the gesture was returned. At least one thing had been repaired.