Through Games & Sorrow

㉗I Would Never Think That

 
Taehyung drew his clothes on, turned off the car heater since it was warm enough, and then sat close to the younger as he rubbed his sleepy eyes with tiny fists. "I still want to know," he uttered with a meek voice.

"It's late and we're tired, so why don't we—"

"Jeongguk," he interrupted in a whisper. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but I want to know. Did I do something? Was it a turnoff when I said that we should establish some rules? Did you get bored of me?"

"Fuck, it's not about you, Taehyung." He sighed, frustrated, as he turned his body to face him. "Stop thinking so little about yourself. Stop degrading yourself. I haven't forgotten about what you said that you doubt yourself too much but you can't help it. You have to stop doing that because you're a successful lawyer who's damn good at his job.

"You're a beautiful, interesting, and pleasant person everyone would be lucky to have in their life. You're so kind, so caring, and honestly? I haven't met another person like you before. I may not know you that well, but you always help others whenever you can and always manage to put a smile on their face. I don't understand why you're thinking so little about yourself."

Completely astounded by his sudden encouraging and heartwarming words, Taehyung could only look at him with big doe eyes, like a lost puppy. He didn't expect to hear something like that from him, and although he felt soft inside, he couldn't believe his words. "I'm nothing like you said." His eyes glinted with a hint of sorrow as he cast them down.

"What? Of course you are."

"No. You know what I am? I'm a failure to my parents. I'm something they can look down on and make fun of. I'm always second in everything I do to them. I'm mediocre in everything I do. I mean nothing to them. You used to think my life is perfect, right? Maybe you still do. But my life is just... pathetic. Sad and miserable. And I work myself to exhaustion so I won't have time to think about how miserable and pathetic I am."

Jeongguk blinked on repeat, his eyes wide and shocked. He found himself thinking how could this man, who was so bubbly and most of the time with a smile on his face, have these depressing thoughts about himself? To his eyes, Taehyung was nothing like that, and it was strange how much it saddened him to know that he viewed himself this way.

"I want to say a few things, but can you please not take whatever I say personally and ponder on it?" he questioned, peering at the gloomy boy, and received a nod a few seconds later. "You're really stupid if you think about yourself this way. And your parents don't know shit about you if they think you're a failure. You don't need their approval to believe you're successful. You don't need anyone's approval.

"Are you gonna live the rest of your life trying to prove your worth to them? Or are you gonna simply live your life? Who cares about what the fuck they have to say? They don't define you. Their words don't define you. What they think of you doesn't define you. Yes, it's unfair and painful not to have parents who love you and support you, but if you don't, you just don't. You can't mope about it forever. At some point, you have to accept it, snap out of it, and fucking live.

"You have friends who love you and who would do literally anything for you. You can't take that for granted. If you think it's easy to find real friends and that everyone does, you're wrong. Some people don't even have real friends to lean on. You do, and you shouldn't take it for granted. Your life isn't miserable nor pathetic and neither are you. You have your own house, a car, a job in which you're damn successful. You have people to lean on, real friends, you're beautiful, kind, funny, smart, and a lot more things. It really shocks me that you think about yourself this way."

Taehyung was at a loss for words. Tears slid down his cheeks without being able to control them, and he listened to the younger until the end while crying silently.