Queen of Ouroboros

a message to the fallen

I sat by my window and saw the dark clouds above. How different things were, just a few years back. Oh how I missed father and Zaynab, she truly was the light of the castle. Everything seems so dark and gloomy now. Oh, how things have changed. Looking up at the sky was once our favorite thing to do together and now even looking at them reminds me of everything we had and what no longer exists.

The pain is unbearable at times, my chambers remind me so much of him. He would sit with me, his hand in mine- his promises of never leaving me, oh Junayd where are you, my love? You have left me just when I needed you the most. The best souls always leave too early. The way

you two promised to stay in my life for a long time, I also promise you that my time in this life will not be long. For without you all, this life is as bland as a life without love, as the moon is without the sun. For too many nights I have not seen the sparkle of the moon and for too many days I have not seen the rays of the sun. Although it does not worry me as it would once, it does remind me of everything that has changed. Everything that was and everything that never was to be. Happiness in my life was never meant to be, and the emptiness of my soul reminds me of this every time I awake, and every time I lay hoping to not see the ceiling over my bed.
It has been difficult without you father. Without your daily advice and reassurances. Baba now they call me 'your majesty', I have never despised anything more. Every time I hear those words I get reminded of you, I remember all the times you would make me laugh, all the times when you would try to make me happy when mother scolded me. Now I don't even remember the last time I laughed, let alone felt happy. Without you father life is so meaningless and it seems as though someone has snatched the ground from beneath my feet. You were the only one who understood me and I you. Your time in this life was too short, I still had so much to learn from you. I wish you stuck long enough for me to learn everything about everything.
Zaynab my love, my dearest sister, the light of my eye. You brought happiness to me every day of the week, I never knew that you would take it back with you once you left as well. You, me and baba were a team so when did we decide on not being a team anymore? You were the youngest indeed but you were to me as my own daughter, I loved you as my own, I cared for you as though you came from my flesh and bones. Oh zaynab, how much I miss your sweetness and your innocence. You were the youngest of us and yet the first to perish. I wish I didn't send you so far away, we thought we were protecting you but it was anything but that.
For Junayd, the love of my life. You became a part of my soul and when you left you broke me in half and left me without a cure. Now I sit by this dark window watching the dreary clouds pass by as I sit here and wait for you to come and tell me about your day. I am waiting for you my love, I always was and I always am. I wish I did not have to wait so long for you though. I must say though the wait for you was always rewarding. I wish the waiting now would come to an end so I could see you again and feel your touch that I have longed to sense. But no such thing is coming. No one is coming for me. For me now is only the wait of when my creator takes me and brings me to my love. Life without you my love is unlivable. It is as though I am being punished everyday of my life. When I think of you, all those thoughts come back and it makes it ten times more difficult to think of anything else. I have always loved you, from the very beginning and I always will. My jaanam, the light of my eyes. May we meet very soon.