That Gilbert Girl

Chapter 22

I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't feed at all...I'm numb. Numbness is what keeps me from feeling anything at all. They have tried everything, I can't do it. I can't go on without him, I love him, I can't go on like this.

Why didn't they just let me die from the bite? Why did I have to go and kiss Kol? Why did I sleep with Damon? Why? Why? Why?

I was hopeless. Elijah left me, he promised to never do that, he said he'd always be there for me, yet where was he when I needed him the most?

"Please talk to her, I can't stand seeing her like this." Elena was trying. She really was, but not even getting Jer to talk to me would help. He wasn't him.

"I tried already, she won't say a single word."

Elena sighs, and the house falls silent, with the exception of a door opening and closing. I know Jer is here, so Elena must've left. She wasn't too happy finding out about Damon and myself, but I didn't care one bit, it meant nothing.

I let myself replay what had happened, I knew it wasn't healthy, but I still let the memories flood me. What if I would've not have slept with Damon, would it be different? And what if I hadn't kissed Kol, would he still trust me? I wish I could take it all back. I had choices, yet I chose the worst of them. We both now have broken hearts due to pointless mistakes. It's been 3 weeks, and I can't seem to do much.

Elijah couldn't have left me, no...he said he'd never leave, he promised! He can't leave, no, he didn't leave. He's just thinking, he'll come back, we'll say we're sorry, and everything will be back to normal. Everything will be okay, it's telling me he will.

I fall exhausted on the bed, and make myself want to believe my thoughts, yet I can't. A tear slips down my cheek, and I muffle my cries with a pillow.

"Elijah!" I exclaim crying out when I remove the pillow.

I hear running up the stairs, and instantly flash to close my bedroom door, and put pressure on it so it won't open.

"Gemma? Gem, open the door please," Jer pleads.

I don't say anything, and continue crying loudly. My heart is holding so many emotions, emotions I can't hold for too long. I just want to turn them off! My eyes widen at my thoughts. I zone out Jer's words, and think to myself.

'Turn them off, turn them off, turn them off..." My mind is working either against me, or with me, nonetheless, whichever it is, it's not going to stop its goal.

I know I can turn off my emotions, I can do it, and I am not going against it. I shake my head, and gasp in shock. Why on earth would I even consider turning off my emotions?

"Please Gem, open the door."

Jer's voice cracks, and I place my hand on my mouth to keep my sobs quiet. I hear him let out a shaky sigh, and then his footsteps leaving. I slide down the door, and wrap my arms around my legs, burying my tear trailed face in them.

"I'm so sorry," I say muffled.

*****

I must've fallen asleep for hours, because when I woke up, it was already dark, and my body was hurting from the position it had been previously. My bones cracked wildly, and it took a while for my body to adjust in my new stretching position. What was hurting more was my back, and I could hardly stand up, but succeeded.

"Damn," I muttered when I was fully up. My bones were tingling, but that wasn't why I cursed I cursed because I felt starved, and I was dreading this the whole week.

I couldn't keep down human blood without throwing it back up, but it was a tad bit satisfying. I needed vampire blood, and Elijah wasn't here to help me with my problem.