(a/n) losely based on 'real thing' by ruel.
y/n's pov:
I close my eyes as I feel myself climax. Harry lets out a low grunt and falls on top of me. I have this urge to wrap my arms around him and hold eachother after sex, but we know we cant do that. In the beginning we clearly said no cuddles after sex, it would only complicate things over time, this was supposed to be a no strings attached relationship. I should have known better back then but I was too blinded by the urge by my sexual wants to know what I was getting myself into.
I don't know he feels but i'm tired of this fantasy, i'm tired of this daydream of being with him emotionally. I know it's imaginary, but I think my mind is ready. Need to leave this toxic relationship for something true. I just want the real thing.
I want all the fights, I wants all the tears. I want all the converstions, tell eachother our fears. I know it's hard for him to trust because no one's ever given him enough. I might need to stop and give it up.
But I can't
I crave his soft touch, little innocent kisses, going on dates and just being happy all together. Yes, the sex is great but I want more and i'm not sure if he wants that, or if he wants that with me. I should have stopped this when I started feeling for him about 2 months ago. I'm scared to confess because he might leave and i dont know how i'm gonna deal with that. So, if i can't have him how I want, I can keep a mask on and have him in this strictly sexual relationship, even if it breaking me.
We fit so well with eachother, we know exactly what the other one needs. We know eachother's body so well and I can't help but think we'd work well with eachother in a real relationship. If only everything wasn't so complicated.
He huffs and gets up and looking for his pants around the room while I cover myself with the sheet and turn to the side to avoid seeing him simply walk away after our passionate exchange. I swallow the growing lump in my throat blink my eyes to dry the on oncoming tears. Once he leaves I can cry myself to sleep, which has become a norm for me in the past few weeks.
"I'm going." I hear him say softly. He almost never informs me before leaving. "Okay" I say but my voice cracks. Dammit. I shut my eyes and suck in a sharp breath of air when I hear his feet pad over towards me. "What's wrong?" He whispers, kneeling down on the floor. I shake my head and bring the cover over my head, hoping he lets it go. "Y/n tell me what's wrong? Did I do something? Was I too rough? Darling, if you-"
"I'm okay." I grit through a blur of tears, "You can leave." I hear him sigh and attempt to lift the cover off my face. I don't know why but I let him, I'm tired of keeping it in, I don't care if he sees me like this. I need to get this off my chest. "Why do you care?" I ask him and he looks almost hurt that I ask him. " Why do I care? Y/n you're my friend, of co-"
"Sex buddy." i correct and a sigh falls from his lips. "Y/n I still care about you." It physically pains me to hear him say this when I know it's not the way I want. "No you don't." I say firmly and he looks taken aback. "What do you mea-"
I huff and sit up, wrapping the sheet around my bare torso. I need to tell him. "You don't get it do you?" He looks at me with a blank expression. "I like you Harry." His face drops and I raise my hand up, telling him to let me finish first. "I know we said this was a no strings attached relationship, and I should have stopped this arrangement when I started growing feelings for you but i didn't in fear of losing you. I still wanted you in my life, and I was afraid that if i told you, you'd leave and I wasn't ready for that. I'm still not ready for that but these past few weeks have been painful to go through. I let myself do the one thing I wasn't supposed to, I thought I could keep it in let this thing go on, but everytime you leave. It hurts so much, I know you can't give me what I want from you, yet I kept this thing going because if I couldn't have you the way I wanted, I was content having you like this." By this time my face is drenched with tears and I haven't dared to look at Harry yet.
"I understand if you don't wanna do this anymore. I just needed to get this off my chest." I wipe my tears and catch my breath. I'm pretty sure my cheeks are red from embarassment but I couldn't care less at the moment.
I feel his hands on my cheeks and try to pull away but just grabs me tighter. "You could've told me. You were hurting yourself all this time y/n. Why would you let yourself do that. But you know what surprised me most?" I look up to see a little smile playing on his lips. "Is that you really thought I would leave you. I'm not heartless y/n. If anything, I'd been refraining myself from showcasing my real feelings." My head immediately snaps back up and he chuckles. "It was hard not to catch feelings for you y/n. You're so incredible, so beautiful, so fearless and such an amazing person all together. I had planned on telling you about my feelings this weekend. I had this whole date planned and everything. I was so nervous." I continue to look at him with a blank expression. This has got to be a joke.
"If it's not too late, may I ask you out on a date." I search his face for any signs of bluffing but it all looks genuine. "Are you joking?" I ask anyway. He smiles and shakes his head.
"I uhh, I'd love to." I manage to speak without crying again. He notices the tears welling in my eyes and pouts, "Aww don't cry." He leans forward and pulls me into a warm hug and I wrap my arms around his torso, fisting his shirt and he peppers light kisses on my neck.
"Can I kiss you?" He muffles into my neck causing my heart to flutter. After we agreed on this friends with benefits relationship, consent was never in the picture. I nod into his neck and I pull away, only to be met with his soft lips on mine. This was not a heated lusty kiss we've had in bed. His lips slowly glide over mine, his thumb grazing over my cheek. His lips lightly suck on my lower lips and continues their previous movements, making me feel tingly pretty much all over my body.
Our lips slowly part from eachother, making a soft pop sound. My eyes slowly open to see him looking at me with utmost adoration. I don't think anyone's ever looked at me like that which causes me to look away.
"I'm not dreaming am I?" I wonder out loud.
"No baby, this is the real thing."
*******
