Regret - Tsukiyama

Regret

Tsukki<3   1:27 am
I have regretted many things in my life.

Tsukki<3   1:33 am
The first time I have ever regretted my decision was when we went to Karasuno volley match when we were kids. With the hope of watching my brother playing as an ace we went. But when he wasn't in the court, not even in the bench, my heart was racing like crazy, and when I finally looked in front, there was my brother, at the audience, with the cheering stick in his hand, looking at me with petrified and guilty look in his eyes. At the time I regretted everything, asking my brother about Karasuno volleyball club, asking my brother if he was an ace, getting excited whenever my brother told me he played the match and won. And at that moment I felt completely betrayed.

Tsukki<3   1:34 am
But I also regretted shutting out my brother after what happened. Things started to get clear when we were in high school. I came to slowly realize that it wasn't entirely my brother's fault for lying to me. I had held a huge expectation on him and he just didn't want to crush the image of him that had been on my mind. Yes, it wasn't the best thing to do but he tried. And I can't lie, but I got into volleyball because of my brother, he was my role model.

Tsukki<3   1:38 am
I regretted saying volleyball was nothing but a club. I regretted saying it was lame when others were devoting their time in volleyball. I couldn't understand why when you started to train your jump serve with Shimada-san. I just couldn't understand why they were treating a game like it was their life. I couldn't understand why all of you were so focused on just a game, Kageyama, Hinata, you, Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san, and my brother. I had seen my brother crying - breaking because of volleyball. I had seen him lying to his one and only little brother because of volleyball. So it was hard for me to relate to you all - isn't it just a club? So why were all of you working so hard for a club?

Tsukki<3   1:40 am
But when I blocked Ushiwaka I could finally understand. It was just one block, it was just one point out of 25. But I could clearly feel the adrenaline rushing through my body, I could clearly hear Bokuto-san's voice ringing in my ear, if you experience that moment it will really get you hooked on volleyball. I could finally see volleyball as my passion, not just a club. I could finally get hooked on it.

Tsukki<3   1:41 am
I have regretted many things in my life. But I never regretted meeting you.

Tsukki<3   1:46 am
At the summer camp during our first year of highschool- you were right. Why was I asking such questions, behaving like a jerk. Isn't the only thing I need is pride to do my best in the game. You know, I really thought you were so cool at that moment. You had never said something like that before, you had never raised your voice, you were never so angry as you were at that time. And you looked really cool when I got to see a different side of you. Knowing that even Yamaguchi could be this angry because of my behavior was a shock and a surprise for me, but it was also a motivation of some sort that I shouldn't make you angry ever again.

Tsukki<3   1:47 am
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Tsukki<3   1:47 am
Kids of our age never hanged out with me, they would always say that I was too tall for their liking, that they were afraid of my height. So I was left alone.

Tsukki<3   1:48 am
But then you came. You came searching for me to thank me and I was a little surprised that someone was willingly talking to me.

Tsukki<3   1:49 am
I know I was a jerk, always making fun of people, filled with saltiness and sarcasm. Unlike you, so sweet and kind, caring. We were polar opposites. While I was the moon that was cold to others, you were the star who never failed to shine others' world, my world.

Tsukki<3   1:53 am
While people always pointed our differences and would always wonder why such a salty boy and a sweet boy were friends, I too, had some insecurities and doubts - if you were going to leave my side one day.

Tsukki<3   1:57 am
But you never left. You were there with me, when we were kids and until now, always by my side - helping me to improve, to socialize,  to be a better human. And I hope you will be there with me in future as well.

Tsukki<3   1:59 am
And you might be wondering why am I saying - texting such things at such hour. But I just wanted to tell you a lot of things that I couldn't tell you before and you deserve to know it all.

Tsukki<3   2:02 am
I never said this out loud but, Tadashi, thank you so much for coming to find me that day. You always say that I saved you. But the truth is the one who was saved was me. You saved me Tadashi. If it wasn't you, then I would probably have been the same lonely, emotionless boy who couldn't express his feelings.

Tsukki<3   2:03 am
So thank you so much for being in my life, Tadashi.
✔Seen