How can you let go when I still love you?

Part 1

It is not uncommon for humans to long for times already passed.

I am no exception.

---

"I'm sorry," I had said, "I value our friendship too much to continue to risk it on this relationship."

With a shaky voice and downcast eyes which dared not even peak at his reaction, I spoke as I gripped the seat of the park bench I was sitting on.

"Okay." was all he had said in reply. I felt the bench shift as his weight was lifted off of it. His footsteps seemed to echo in the dimly lit night.

"I'm sorry!" I had nearly shouted with tears beginning to overflow from my eyes, "I really hope we can be friends just like before." I cringed at my own words but there was no taking them back. He had already begun walking again out of the park.

---

Sorry, she had said. That wasn't what I wanted to hear. It made me frustrated, angry even. But not at her. Frustrated that it couldn't work out between us, angry that she felt like she needed to apologize so much, regretful that I couldn't even say anything but "okay." 

I hope we can be friends like before, she had said. I hoped so too. Truthfully, I hated the idea of being apart from her. Some strange sort of pride would not allow me to admit it, but I really loved her so much that the thought of truly losing her scared me to my bones. 

She wanted us to remain friends. So did I--it was miles better than strangers. So we remained friends. In fact, it was as if nothing had ever happened at all. The previously stagnant texting and calling suddenly continued again, without any 'I love you's or pet names. 

And I clung onto it. Our precious time spent talking about nothing for hours on end, just enjoying each other's company. I held onto it. The affection I had for her, my crush. With every time I would get a message from her, with every word I would hear from her mouth, my heart would clutch her a little closer to itself, unwilling to let go.

I held onto it for about a year.

---

The fallout of our "break up" cleared surprisingly well. Within a week, any hints of awkwardness were already gone and we were talking just like normal again. Truly like the good old days. It continued like that for about a year.

When the new school year was starting, I got a message from an old mutual friend of ours. It was rather late already, but I was in a call with him when I received the message. We decided to both hop into a voice channel with her to catch up. After making jokes and laughing for a while, she shared that it was hard for her to be starting the school year without many friends to talk to and asked if she could add us to a group chat. We agreed, of course. 

For a while, the group chat was booming. It was really great to be able to talk to him and to our friend so often. But with each new school year comes new challenges and his activeness in the chat decreased due to his business with both school and work. I was saddened by his absence and made this known in our group chat, as did our friend, but perhaps he didn't take me seriously because after all...

---

She never said that she liked me back.

It was a sudden realization. And from it poured endless streams of thought. Maybe she only wanted to stay friends with me because she said I'm easy to talk to. Maybe she's just looking for a conversation partner. Maybe she just wanted someone to help stave off her boredom at odd hours. Well, there's her friend who she's talking to a lot more now. She's probably just saying that she's sad that I'm not there because she's conscious of the fact that it's a group chat that I'm part of. I'm sure they talk a lot more in DMs anyway. She doesn't need me anymore. She never liked me anyway. Why am I still holding on?