How can you let go when I still love you?

Part 2

I never used to be one to have falling-outs with friends. 

But it seems that I just can't avoid it with him. 

I confronted him with exactly one message to tell him that being curt comes off as rude. It was a shot in the dark. The kind of message you close your eyes before sending and close everything immediately after because you're scared of the consequences. 

I caught a swift block after I sent that message. 

Which only caused me to spiral more.

---

"Comes off as rude"? I don't care. That means nothing to me. 

Why should I have to cater to you and your feelings? If I don't want to send a longer response just to be 'polite', that's up to me. 

Deal with it. 

If you don't like talking with me, then just - don't.

---

It took a while for me to notice I was blocked. 

There was no activity in the group chat for a while - this was normal.

I didn't hear from him for a while - this was normal.

I was avoiding to check our DMs because of that message I had sent - this was normal (for me, at least).

But that creeping feeling of missing him still made its way into my thoughts at night - this had become normal.

I finally worked up the mental strength to pull up our DMs again and I stared at the blank text box, as usual.

"yo" I typed tentatively. 

My eyes locked onto the blinking cursor at the end of those two letters for a long time.

My finger danced over the send button. It came close then moved away, again and again.

My mind was tired from all the thinking. I was tired. I allowed my eyes to shut as I gently tapped the send button.

When I opened my eyes, they were met with red. An error message. The message could not be delivered.

I knew at once that it was because I had been blocked. 

I checked his profile. We were no longer friends.

I tried sending him a friend request. It didn't work.

A heavy weight settled into my chest. He didn't want to talk to me anymore.  

I felt... defeated. Before, it was just my own helplessness that stopped me from messaging him every time I missed him. But now, it was him who was saying that he didn't want to hear from me. 

Well, it makes sense. I had sent him a message that I knew I would regret just because I couldn't handle his "attitude" anymore.

The distance I had felt from his short responses before felt like a chasm now. One that could never be crossed. 

He was gone.

---

I did it. 

I managed to forget about her.

If she didn't like the way I was talking to her, I just wouldn't anymore. 

It doesn't matter much to me. I have my own friends who have nothing to do with her. My own schooling and job to focus on. 

I can just live my life the way I always have. Just without her in it. 

And so I did just that. 

We were still adjacently connected on social media, which neither of us used often, but I would see her posts and she would see mine. 

It was normal. Totally normal.

We were just mutuals on social media. 

Though... I did wonder whether she forgot that she had me in her close circle or if she left me in on purpose. Either way, it was nothing when I saw her posts. She was just someone I follow because we knew each other. 

Nothing else.

That's what I managed to convince myself. Whenever I was reminded of her, I would remind myself that she was a coward who wasn't willing to take a chance on our relationship. 

I kept doing that until she became someone else entirely in my mind. 

I kept doing that until I stopped remembering her as the girl I loved.

---

I didn't realize it, but that block changed something in me. It made me crazy. It made me obsessed.

I would spam him with messages, knowing they would never be delivered. I would press the call button so many times for it to never connect.

But I only did it because I knew they wouldn't go through. I missed him, yes, that's what I felt. But the spamming of messages and calls that would never go through wasn't an attempt to reach him.

I had his number. I had his social media. I could actually message or call him for real, if I really wanted to.

What I really wanted was to stave off the loneliness in my heart. I wanted the satisfaction of having sent him a message without actually sending him a message. Because I was scared.

But maybe, just maybe, if I had that satisfaction, I could sleep peacefully. But as it was, I was writhing in the pain of longing and the feeling of missing him. Sending messages without actually sending them didn't do anything for me. In ways, it just made me feel worse.

I wanted to go back to the days before I was blocked, before he started being curt with me, before we broke up, before we dated. Before we even liked each other. 

When we were just friends who could talk, joke, and laugh together easily.

That's what I missed. So bad.

And months went on like this.

---

It'd been about six months since I blocked her. Not that I was counting.

It was Christmas now. I'm not the type to celebrate it very much, but I usually at least exchange greetings with my friends.

As I was sending and receiving greeting messages, she came to mind. 

It's been long enough. It's not like I was particularly mad at her when I blocked her, I just needed some time and space away from her to forget her. To erase every last bit of romantic affection I felt for her.

But at the end of the day, she was still someone who I considered a friend. 

I went back and forth about messaging her for a while. I would consider it, forget about it for a while, and then come back to the idea.

That kept up until it was 2 a.m. and I was settled into bed.

I opened our DMs on social media and hesitated one more time before sending a simple message:

merry christmas :)

It was friendly but it didn't give anything away.

She replied a few minutes later:

oho merry christmas ^3^

... huh. So she's normal.

I can deal with that. 

I stamped a like on her message and drifted off to sleep.