Date, Location, Title

Icryinthis

Date: oct. 20th

Location: couch

Title: Icryinthis

Dylan asked me, "what's one the happiest days you have ever had?". I laughed as I placed his bowl of bunnie noodles in front of his eight year old face. Buying myself some time to think about the intense question I was just asked, I told him to eat his food and asked what he wanted to drink. I knew I could just lie and say something like, "oh the time I went to a theme park". But I also knew that these were listening and forgetful ears. I wish they understood why my happy days were my happy days, but they are still living in childhood town. The place where we cry over our brother getting a bigger slice of cake. The place we ride our bikes day and night, our biggest worries being having to wait for the sun to come back till we can continue our games. Lying crossed my mind, but I also knew they were curious, ears ready to listen, brains ready to fade the stories I tell over the years. I placed Dylan's chocolate milk in front of him and sat crossed legged. Children are so impatient, "okay, okay! So what is it?!"

The way they sat, bodies turned toward me, ears perked, food untouched, I knew I was about to be heard, but not understood.

"Okayyy, chill Dill, and start eating please."

I took a deep breath and smiled, I felt happy at that moment. My mind grazed over so many happy memories I had stored away. It took me a second to process the memory I was about to tell.

"Okay, one of the happiest days I have ever had. I had worked the morning shift at the coffee house. You guys know Bethany, well Beth had work off that day, so when I had gotten home around noon, we had decided to take a drive to this spot on the mountain that we found a few days earlier when we were on one of our drives. We jumped in her little prius, stopped for coffee of course, stopped at her parents house to steal snacks and chairs. We chatted with the family for a few minutes as usual, I remember running around with their goat.

Music was blaring all the way up the mountain. The sky was clear as we set up our camp for the day. Dug the feet of our chairs into the earth, connected the speaker, pulled our journles out. We sat, mostly laughing because we could barely sit in the chairs, we were literally on a hill trying to sit in chairs. It wasn't really working, but we made it work, that's me and Beth for ya.

After about roughly fifteen minutes of wiggling our butts in order to not fall forward. It begins to rain. The smiles on our faces grew and we were gifted with the perfect chance to dance and be free in the lovely rain.

And dance we did, we danced, we sang and screamed into the mountains. We were soaking wet, and our hearts were completely full. It was a feeling of freedom, a reminder that we were okay. A taste of the earth. It was what we both needed, yet didn't know we needed. I think I can speak for Beth when I say our heads were cleared. There wasn't a single worry, stress, nothing, it felt like as the rain fell, it washed away all the heavy things we had been carrying around. I almost felt like a kid again, I felt how a baby must feel. All the hurt I had ever felt, the anger, the sadness, it felt as though it was cleansed away by the storm.

Dancing, singing, screaming on the top of a mountain with Bethany. A memory that will stay with me forever."

Dylan looked at me as though I was a crazy person. I had been holding back tears, but gave up and smiled and let the single tear fall down my cheek. I knew what was coming, "YOU'RE CRYING!!!!"

"Omg I hate when she cries!", mumbles Stella, who sat with a confused look on her face.

"That doesn't sound like fun.... You said you've been to DisneyLand, I think that should be your best memory."

"Okay dude please eat your bunnies and well I wasn't filled with joy and happiness when I was at DisneyLand. I barely even remember that trip, your brain saves the happiest of moments you experience and stores them in a special place. I have many happy memories that it's hard to pick one favorite, but that one of me and Beth is definitely one that I love."

These kids are impossible to feed. Dylan continued to play with his bunnies as Stella complained that she wanted to hear about the boys in my life not about a mountain.

I rolled my eyes and stood up, they knew what was coming, I began to sing loudly, shaking my arms, spinning my legs all over.

"Make it stop!!!" Stella repeatedly fused out.

"You know what to do to get me to stop!", I breathlessly spit out. I started singing lounder, getting closer to their faces, trying my hardest to annoy them.

Mission accomplished, they both fought the smiles that were creeping on their faces, stuffing their mouths with the bunnie noodles they begged me to make them.

I surrendered my not-so-graceful singing, still ready to start it back up if I see one of them put those freaking forks down.

I sat back down and my mind began to rummage through the box in my brain labeled, "happy memories". Memories made with my family, friends, by myself, with ex's, with old pets, a box that had just gained a new memory. I'll never forget this exact day. Perhaps I had felt so filled with joy because I was retelling times I had been so immensely filled. Or maybe it was because there I was sitting across the country from everyone I love, telling stories about them to two kids that I realized I loved at that moment. I get to make an impact on their lives, and when I tell them the stories they ask for, I know some small part of them gets something out of them.

Whatever the reason, I felt filled when I sat there telling them stories, laughing at the complaints from Stella that, "the boy stories are better". Smiling when Dylan would say things like, "I wish I could have been there! I want to go back home with you for Christmas!"

Singing obnoxiously because they know I'll shut up as soon as they start to eat. Those are things I won't forget, and I hope they won't either.