Calling, and Listening to Your Voice

It is already midnight when Joshua suddenly wakes up. One of his earbuds comes off and nowhere to be seen. Maybe it fell and now Joshua is too lazy to search it. He only sighs and leans on the headboard. His apartment is now empty with only him in the home. Well, it was before he broke up with Seungcheol, of course. Today is already the 165th day. Crazy, but yeah, Joshua still counts it. The darkness of the room only makes him feel the emptiness more. He rarely uses the dimmed lamp after Seungcheol moved out. Maybe it is just Joshua who chooses to drown himself in misery.

Joshua opens his phone only to see his photo together with Seungcheol as his locksreen. Isn't Joshua a fool who hasn't move on in almost half a year. Look at Seungcheol, who already has Joshua's substitute. A woman, younger than Joshua, rich, smart, kind, and the most important is, she is Seungcheol's parents approved. Seungcheol has uploaded the photo and the media was intrigued by the news. It was a good news indeed, for the company and for the parents.

He opens again the chats between him and Seungcheol. The last conversation was rarely continued. It was either him or Seungcheol who never replied. Why? Joshua doesn't want to acknowledge it but yeah, it was the beginning of Seungcheol's matchmaking process.

———————————-Flashback—————————-

“You have a what?” Joshua didn't know if he should laugh or sad in this situation. He chose to laugh, tho.

“A matchmaking, Shua, from Mom. Can you believe it? She knows we are together. I have introduce you two,” Seungcheol said frustratingly. He messed up his hair. Joshua just looked at him calmly. He looked cute like that, anyway.

Joshua knew they already introduced each other. But there was the feel of like, you know, like some constraint. She didn't show it but it was there. Joshua didn't want to worry his boyfriend and didn't tell him anything about that. Maybe it was just his feeling being cautious. It was Seungcheol's first time to ever call him as “close friend” to his mother.

“Hahaha...it's okay, Cheol. I know, you are very much in love with me, you won't even feel there is a woman beside you after all,” Joshua remarked and gave Seungcheol a kiss on the temple. Seungcheol only snorted and kissed him back.

Joshua is laughing now that he remembers that day. Such an arrogant man he was that he can say that confidently. And now he regrets it.

“Shua, you know you can make me cancel this wedding if you say yes in front of your parents, for my proposal. Right, Shua?”

It was the last message in their chat. Joshua only read it back then. He chose to hide himself in the Seungcheol's study in his apartment.

“Mother, this is Seungcheol, my bestfriend in class.”

“Hello, Aunty, I'm Seungcheol. I'm from Daegu.”

“Mother, I...wanna tell you something. It's about Seungcheol,” 20 years old Joshua innocently told his mother about all the things happened between them, thinking it was just the same like he usually tells his mother about his activities in college. In the middle of the story, before the part where Seungcheol secretly kissed him under the mistletoe, Joshua stopped, only to get a slap on the cheek.

“Joshua, I love you, very much,” it was Seungcheol's first open confession in the middle of crowd after their friend's birthday party. Five months after secretly dating behind their parents' back. Their relationship ran slowly at most. Seungcheol never demanded anything weird. He knew what Joshua wanted normally. A slow pace. Small and simple actions that made Joshua melted.

“I love you, too, to the moon and back,” Joshua beamed and kissed his boyfriend cheek.

———————————-Flashback end————————

Now Joshua is still single. The regrets and the moments they had are still fresh in his mind. He decides he needs time to heal. A lot of time to have fun. He took a cooking class, he goes clubbing, he had a one night stand partner, he downloaded a dating application, he even took a paid leave for two weeks and went to Switzerland with his two bestfriends, Jeonghan and Seokmin. It was a great holiday, only to be alone again in his quiet apartment. Sometimes Jeonghan or Seokmin took turns sleepover here.

Joshua opens his gallery and there are still some of Seungcheol and his photos together. Suddenly his phone rings and it shown his ex full name (before it was 'baby' now it was only 'Choi Seungcheol'). He takes a long time to pick up the phone and it is ended. His ex surprisingly still calling him in the middle of the night. Not really often, though. It was sometimes around once or twice a month. Yeah, he counts that, too. Sometimes he picks up, sometimes he doesn't. On the second ring, he chose to pick up.

“Hello, Cheol,” he gulps and tightens his grip on his phone.

“Hello, Shua. You haven't gone to sleep?”

“I was. And I suddenly woke up like usual.”

“Nightmares?”

“No...” he muttered. More like it was because of the thought of his ex. “How are you and Naeun?”

“Nothing's different from before.”

“Hmm...”

“Shua.” Seungcheol's voice when he calls him is always the same. With the hint of the softness and love in it. Does Joshua feel the love, though? He doesn't know. Maybe he just imagines it.

“What? Why are you still calling me, Cheol?”

“I don't know. Maybe I just miss you.”

“You don't miss me when you had your wedding,” Joshua whispers.

“What?”

“Never mind. Anyway I hate talking on the phone. Why don't you come to my apartment?” Joshua demands. He is crazy, he knows.

“I want to talk to you right now.”

“Naeun is already asleep, right? You can come to me.”

“No, Shua. I just want to hear your voice. I miss your voice,” Seungcheol groans. Joshua can see him rolling in his blanket but because he is with Naeun, maybe he can't do it.

“Choi Seungcheol,” Joshua calls firmly. His ex know what he will say next never be a good thing.

“What? I don't want to hear it,” He sulks.

“You know I love you, right? And still love you. Please stop this habit of yours.”

“What are you talking about, Shua? I don't understand. I just miss you, okay.”

“Don't play a fool, Cheol. Baby,” Joshua decided to use his pet name to coax him.

“I choose to be a fool if it will make you always pick up the phone.”

Joshua laughed. He really can't do this right now. All of his attempts to move on will be futile. “Did you really want to torture me, Cheol?”

“Shua, you know, I still think about my question that you haven't answered until now. You know you can make me divorce Naeun now if you say yes in front of your parents, for my proposal. Right, Shua?”

“You don't say you miss me then proceed to make me choose between my parents and you, Cheol.”

“Right. I always lose. Just so you know, Shua, I still love you. My proposal is still valid. Maybe someday you will brave enough to be honest to yourself, Shua. Please. It hasn't been a year. Please. I want you to think about it,” Seungcheol begged.

”.....”

“Shua...”

Joshua can't think anything at the moment. He drops his head on the pillow to cry. To think that he will be apart with his parents now is as heartbroken as he is apart with Seungcheol. Playing like a good son and lying to himself are all he's been doing until now, hasn't he?

“Cheol, please...don't make me choose again,” he sniffled.

“See you when I see you, Shua. I love you.”

The phone ended, leaving Joshua with only tears. He always manages to say i love yous in the end. One of the many things that makes him can't move on.