Back to you

Took you like a shot, thought that I can chase you with the cold evening. Let a couple years water down how I'm feeling about you.

Star-crossed lovers. Such a bittersweet term for two people who could not make it. Why meet again? What's the purpose? I don't believe in fate, but you do. Do you have answers?

Looking at you now, all I can see is the same old bliss. You are the joy, the ecstasy in my heart.

Everything went on too fast, did it? From the moment I locked my hand with yours, down to the minute you slipped through my fingers. I've made decisions too brisk, I guess that's what I did with you too, with the way how I ended things. Because looking back, I couldn't remember much or I just refuse to? But I do remember that I thought I can make it to you, that you were still within my grasp. I always wished I cherished everything ardently back then.

"How have you been?" You asked.

I haven't been fine. Life has been a pain lately, and it burns my soul too much.
Can I tell you that?

"I've been great, I'm a tough girl remember?"

Your hair's a little longer now, but I bet it still holds the same softness in your locks. Your smile, more tender than before. But your eyes, those eyes that I deeply adore, they still hold the same light I look at when the world feels like it's caving in. Few years have gone by, how come when I look at you, everything feels the same?

And every time we talk, every single word builds up to this moment.

"Want a drink?"
"Sure."

Do we really need this conversation? Do we have to talk? Is catching-up necessary? No. But why are we here? Why are we talking about our lives? Why do I tell you about the art I'm making, why do you ask about my insomnia? You spoke about your cat, then I listened as you switch to speak about your job. We exchanged stories, you teased me for still being scared in thunder. I shot back with your little weird collections.

"Where did we go wrong?"

I don't want to answer your question. Why did you even ask? I thought talking about us is off limits? All that small talk, just to end up here again? It should be history, leave it untouched.

And I gotta convince myself I don't want it, even though I do.

I should've left the moment I saw you here. We should not have talked. All this regret just 'cause I can't tear myself away from you.

I don't want to go back. I don't want to feel you again. Nothing good has come from this relationship. We couldn't make it work, there's no point of even thinking of trying again. Stop looking at me like that, you're making everything so hard. God, why do I want you still?

You can break my heart in two, but when it heals, it beats for you. I know it's forward, but it's true.

"And I just have to say it. No matter how far we've grown apart with all the miles I took to distance myself from you. All the lies you fed me when I know the truth, I just can't deny that no amount of pain will ever make my heart resent you. After all that happened, it will always be you."

Did I say that out loud? I'm sorry, I feel the need to say it. I need you to know, not that I was hoping you would take me back in your arms, but because I can't tell anybody else.

We never got it right. Playing and replaying old conversations, overthinking every word and I hate it, 'cause it's not me.

We've turned each other into something we're not. We were like monsters, ready to claw at each other. Your tongue was a dagger, and I bleed every time your words hit my skin. My words were venomous, I keep poisoning your head. I loathed it. We fought like we never loved each other. I can't recognize myself back then. I hear my voice, but I can't believe I've said so many things that I permanently damaged you. I remember the guilt, the regret, and the pain of seeing your eyes filled with both rage and pain. I hurt you.

And what's the point in hiding? Everybody knows we got unfinished business.

"You want me to tell nobody?" I asked you, addled.

"Why? It's not like we're getting back together. I just want you here! We don't have to get back together, just be my friend or anything. I just don't want a life where I can't see you. I can't live with that. Our families had seen how serious we were.
I just- I can't really live- Even there's nothing there I just can't- without you."

You sighed, I wish you would just shut it, because your next words were not favourable for me.
"We're done. We've parted ways. We can't be in each others' lives anymore. It causes too much pain. I don't want to see you suffering because of me, and I don't think you want that either. What we had was, great. It was the greatest. And maybe, that's the reason why it hurt so much for us to be still be able to communicate."

And I'll regret it if I didn't say, this isn't what it could be.

Like I said before, I need to say it.
"You know we could have been married right now, right?"

You looked down, I continued. "If things worked out backed then, can you imagine? Maybe we're already in bed, sound asleep. I'll be worrying about what to cook for breakfast, and you'll be worrying about traffic. Maybe we'll get married on the beach? Or a simple ceremony, just like what we wanted. Maybe, we're fighting about how your secretary seems to flirt with you even though she isn't. You may even suggest that I learn how to bake so you don't have to feel unsatisfied with the cakes we buy at the market. Can you see that?"

I know, it's useless. This was never easy.

I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to. When I'm lying close to someone else. You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out of it.

You're right. We have parted ways. We both have people who replaced our places in each others' lives. You have her, I have him.

Yet, my thoughts look like you. I can't stop thinking about the what ifs and what could have been.

Lying in bed with him, makes me wish I was in your arms instead. But there's nothing I can do. I can only play-pretend. He feels like you do as long as my eyes are closed, but his kiss and his touch can't compare to yours. How long before this all ends? Is there no other chance? No other way? I feel so stuck, hopeless. It feels like everything is out my hands. I know you believe in fate, do you think we're meant to be here? I can't rely to destiny.

"If I was given the chance to relive every single second spent with you, I will not hesitate. I'd go back in a heartbeat."

So if fate is true, I hope it brings me back to you.

If I can do it all again, I know I'd go back to you.