Somewhere Everywhere

My Thoughts

My thoughts. I think a thought that I have thought of in my own mind.  A lie. A mind. My feelings. My thoughts. I am a writer and my mind goes to many places. An island in my mind, a lottery. The lottery is the plot, a scratch off that starts a story. A story of an island of my own thoughts, and a sea of other people's opinions. It’s like having a wire in my left hand and a wire in my right and all I need to do is connect the wires, to make a plot. But I am standing in a puddle of people's thoughts, and if I connect the wires to get my plot, I will get shocked. My thoughts. My thoughts. My thoughts. I forgot. What’s my plot? 

    I thought a thought once more, a girl, laying on the floor. A puddle of opinions that didn’t matter anymore. My head is sore from all these thoughts. Yellow. I love yellow. That’s a lie, my mind can’t keep these straight. Blue. I love blue. That is true, true blue. Green… 

    My thoughts. My thoughts. My thoughts are wild and unkempt, like a lion. Lions… Lions are scary, yet you can’t run away. Running in circles around my brain. Chasing something that's just out of reach, focusing on that one thing that you know you can’t have. A flower. A simple flower, a gift to a friend. It’s like I have a wire in my left hand and a wire in my right… I’ve said that before. My thoughts keep repeating and changing and molding to a new form. A form that doesn’t make sense. My- nope. Not repeating again, it’s like I’ve got a wire in my left and a wire in my right and I hope I am right.

    I was given an assignment to write a story. Not very long, a paragraph or two. A lottery, an island, and a writer. My mind, my thoughts, my lines that are written unwillingly. I forgot the plot, what was the plot! A match, a box, a bird.  A cat, a hat, a mouse. Word association games. Mother, father, brother from another mother, except for the mother, may I step up father? Yes, you can of coca-cola, soda pop, rockin til my heartbeat stops, sign from god, complex, apartment, gummy, berry, crop. Wow. What was that? 

My mind is a one track mind. A one track mind that keeps derailing. Every time it derails there is another topic of conversation, it gets sent to a different station. It never makes it to the correct station! The passengers want to get off this train that can’t stay where it needs to be. The conductor is screaming in frustration as it derails again. No one dies. They never die. They stay on the train, they are the reason the train derails. They are the thoughts that come in the middle of the night, that keep me up at night. God! I hate the night. The moon shines bright, causing rays of light to hit my window, slightly passing through. 

Sometimes, the rays of moonlight calm my thoughts. My thoughts. My thoughts. My thoughts also sink slowly into the blankets and pillows. Tears filled with lost moments and forgotten words. Missing years, missing happiness. Things I used to love that now only bring me sadness. 

My mind went off track again. Why do this to me? My head hurts. I want to grab something to ease the pain, a few pills to make the pain in my head a dull ache. One. Two. Three. Four. Is four to many? The pain disappears, my mind is still running a million miles per hour, every twist and turn making my stomach lurch… I’m fine… I promise. 

I promise I am trying to focus. I am trying to keep up. I am trying to calm down. Focus. My leg twitches, bouncing up and down. “Are you ok?” I only nod. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Clicking the pen in my hand subconsciously. I’m fine. Everything is fine. It is always fine! I promise….