what the water gave me - h.s.

i'm so open

Harry.

"Mitch!" I sing out to his apartment, bursting through the door in quick pace.

"You seem chipper," He laughs, sitting on his sofa with his guitar in hand.

He's always attached to that thing.

"Well, I am. I ran into Tobi earlier this morning and we grabbed coffee," I say smiling.

I don't think a smile has left my face since we departed ways from the café.

Mitch just smiles deviously at me.

"What?" I say, staring blankly at him.

He just laughs, "I just think you're falling hard."

I open my mouth to speak, but no words escape my mouth.

Shit. I think I am.

"Calm down, H. I think you've set your eyes on a good one, don't overthink it." He laughs out, and I realize that my face holds one of fear.

But I'm not scared of Tobi...or relationships. I think I fear of hurting people, or hurting myself.

Relationships are tricky. They're vulnerable and fragile, which is something that sets me on edge a little bit. Opening yourself up for failure, putting all of your best foot forward, not knowing whether you'll misstep and fall flat on your face or take flight into blissful comfort.

Because love is so reckless and crazy and knows no bounds, it causes room for mistake and pain. Everyone is scared to feel vulnerable, perceiving it as being weak and being weak gives opportunity to get hurt.

I think I fear love in a sense because I'm so enamored on the other person and all my focus is gone to making them happy and secure with me. But, what scares me the most is that they might not give that same effort.

People like to feel comfortable and safe and love can be that, but it also can differ so greatly. It can be dangerous and frightening; love is a rollercoaster of emotions with ups and downs and the only way off is in someone's heartbreak.

And I don't want to be the reason for the latch to break, but also not the one to fall off.

So, we take it in strides. One step at a time, tiptoeing around questions and awkward silences, not wanting to disturb one another. Hoping that the universe will give the right push at the right time to blossom a new connection, rather than one ending in misfortune.

But, I think with Tobi, I'd take the risk to fall off any day of the week.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts I join Mitch on the sofa, "You working on anything?"

He nods, "Yeah, I think I've got something, let me know what you think," He says as he starts to strum a tune rather upbeat.

I listen to the chords he plays, letting myself relax as lyrics start to form on the tip of my tongue.

"I don't wanna be alone
I don't wanna be alone
When it ends
Don't wanna let you know
I don't wanna be alone
But I, I can feel it take a hold
I can feel you take control
Of who I am and all I've ever known
Loving you's the antidote"

Maybe, I don't have to be so scared of love all the time. Maybe the reason for all my failed relationships lies in how I close myself off, not letting myself be 100% in, in fear of getting my heart broken.

But, I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to go home lonely every night, daydreaming of what could be in a perfect life. Perhaps I could be living that perfect life now and I just haven't opened myself up fully to anyone yet to see.

"And it's golden
And it's golden
And I'm hoping
That someday you could be open,
And I know that you're scared
Because hearts get broken"

I sing out getting lost in the song, saying everything I usually keep locked away inside my head. Almost as if I'm speaking to myself all the words I wish I could just tell younger me.

Telling myself that maybe vulnerability isn't bad, but rather freeing. Being so open and ready to start something wholeheartedly.

All of a sudden, I hear Tobi hum in my ears and I freeze.

"Da, da da da da, da, da da da da,"

Her voice reverberating through my head, ad libs perfectly in tune with the song.

"Da, da da da da, da, da da da da," I mimic her genius to Mitch.

As I add what Tobi had given me, Mitch looks me in the eyes and smiles big.

The sound of his guitar fades out, "That. That last bit was good."

Smiling until my cheeks hurt once again, "Yeah, I think so too."

After all these months of not being able to write anything worth producing, I have finally remembered why I do this, why I love music so much.

Ever since Tobi popped up into my life, it's like everything has a new purpose. My world not seen through rose colored glasses anymore, but rather through golden ones.

Who knew the girl living in my head, would end up to be my muse?

*******
a/n:
OK IM SORRY FOR IT BEING SUPER SHORT AND I RUSHED TF OUT OF THIS CHAPTER CUZ I WANTED TO POST TODAY.

BUT THE GOLDEN MV IS SO FUCKING GOOD I CANT BREATHE AHSKDBWHKANDB!!!!!

also, my birthday was yesterday and i couldn't have asked for a better present than this video

i'm so proud of him, he works so hard and the mv came out amazing :)

tpwk, blm, stay safe <3 (go vote!!!)
much love, J