Hidden pain, Exposed voilence.

HIDDEN PAIN, EXPOSED VIOLENCE P1

They judge my actions yet dont consider why. They say im changed without realsing why or even trying. Constantly let down and beat up by people yet its my fault, i 'deserved' it. Having mental ill health means your weak and vunerable in their eyes. It means you're someone who easily falls, not someone who is battling to get back up. If you fail it means you never tried and if you win it means you were the most hardworking. Its all 'RIP' when we die but no one even notices the pain and trauma when you were alive. They dont see the proccesss but just the result which is why they cant understand why im this way. Broken. You try so hard to move on but your past holds on to you tightly. Your shadow is your friend and wont let go. It goes with you wherever you are, repeatedly reminding you of your past. Distracting you from sucess and prosperity. The road became dark and rough 20 years ago...

Mother died from giving birth to me. No father figure because he blamed me. Grandma is back home, in Africa, and i have no siblings. We get told that a baby is 'a gift from God' but my whole life until today i've felt like a curse and a punishment. I thank my father for trying for at least 3 years. Hiding the fact that he didnt acctually want or care about me must of been an accomplishment for him. The fake smiles and laughs make me question everyones love in my life. We can only hope they're telling the truth, we dont acctually know. 3 years of happiness for me was a burden for my father, abandoning me was his freedom but my shadow. Hot boiling tears burn my cheeks as i remember reality. How can i not question anyones love for me when my own father doesnt want me? Everyday. Day and night, i try come up with different explanations since he didnt give me one himself. First forgetting to pick me up from school, which was probably intentional. Then getting dropped off by a teacher to find out the house is on sale. 

Days turn to months and months turn to years. No answers. Trapped in a small dusty room and a system that pretends to care. Bullied by my peers for wearing the same clothes every week. I was always the topic of the gossip. Humiliation and mockery was always around me. Bullies were my friends since they were the only ones that acctually spoke to me. Ignored and rejected by everyone else because they were scared of bieng in my shoes. Everyone knew how to prevent trouble apart from me. Must be something they're parents taught them since thats the only difference. 2 years of highschool and nothing changed. However when i turned 14 i made a promise to never let anyone disrespect me. From that day, it didnt matter whether i was wearing cheap charity clothes or didnt have posessions like the rest, no one dared to try me. To even correct me when im wrong or to laugh at me when i get the answers wrong in class. It was a good thing but i felt even more lonelier, my bullies were no longer my 'friends'. So i became independent, whats love going to do for me anyways right? no one can ever say i got to where i am because of them. 3 more years of hardwork and highschool years were over. I went from a set 8 kid to a A* student. My hard work got me a degree and a stable job. However it excluded me from childhood memories of happiness and love. My focus as a child was to be rich but now that i got it i realised thats not the best thing Life has to offer. People want to be rich so they can afford the things they want so they can be happy. The result of becoming rich for everyone is to be happy.. but i couldnt find it? Despite being rich, happiness was hiding somewhere. Why sacrifice your happiness until your rich when you can be happy now?

                                                  TO BE CONTINUED...