And I hate this. I hate that my body is a photo that you have taken.
Sometimes I hope to die because maybe that'll get me closer to god and maybe, just maybe, he'll forgive me for you taking what I didn't say you could take, that he'll forgive me for the 11 days I went without showering just because I couldn't touch the part of myself that had the hole that you put in me, that he'll forgive me for being in a place I didn't want to be in the first place but I went, emptily to, to forget myself and maybe, fucking maybe he'll forgive me for being too drunk to say no and being too weak to ever bring that night up to someone who could have helped me.
Maybe he'll forgive me to letting days pass, to this day, without ever trying to fix myself from what happened or for not forgiving the person that made this whole in me, just a little bit bigger.
My bones, will never feel the same.
My skin, will always crawl when I hear yet another rape story, and think of my own.
My heart will always fucking crack a little fucking more and my chest will always heave a lot fucking deeper, when I'm trying to sleep at night and just from the back of my mind, the thought of him ripping me open and taking what I tried to take from myself countless nights in the tub just to be like everyone else..
I once tried, many more times than once, to take something from myself that I was taught was to be shared with a person you trust and love deeply, only to have it taken, not by me, from me.
And that's why I'll never believe that any one person can stop stealing.
I have stolen and been stolen from, and neither feel that great, and you didn't feel that great.
I hope you teach your son to be nothing like you.
