Things my friend cord says out of context

Hell once again

"I want to meet this Evan character!"

"Master chief will fondle the cat girl"

"I'M ALLERGIC TO POULTRY"

"THE BEAN HAS APPEARED IN THE BASEMENT!"

"If I had tits I-... oh wait I have man tits never mind"

"I guess I'm daddy"

"I SWEAR TO GOD CHILD DO NOT TICKLE ME!"

"Singing sea shanties and commuting assault"

"AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME, IM ON METH"

"Do you stand to wipe?"

"Are you trying to purchase the poop car?"

"I'm gonna kick the shit out of Walmart people"

"I want two in my mouth"

"I can not fit the entire pen in my mouth"

"*gasp* I HAVE MADE A NEW NOISE!"

"I have a midget in my basement that always makes BLTs for some reason."

"WTF did I just kick? It sounded like a bowling pin"

"I'm LoOkInG fOr MeMeS mOtHeRfUcKeR!!!!"