Not a normal girl

Chapter One

I am not a normal girl. I've had a pretty messed up life. To say the least, I've never been in a relationship, until now.  But that's just the beginning of my story. For the longest time, I have always kept my pain and my  hurt bottled up inside. I would smile and laugh so that no one would suspect anything. But nothing stays hidden forever. I have my secrets, even deep dark secrets. I promised myself to take THAT secret to the grave. Even the strongest promises break sometimes. But was I ready for everything to come crashing down on me? I'm still at a young age  and I've been through so many experiences, good and bad. They say you stop maturing when you experience something traumatic. For me, I was only 9 years old. Growing up, I was always the quiet kid in class. I had a hard time making friends and keeping them. I never knew if I could fully trust anyone. The only person I trusted was myself. Kind of sad, right? Well, when you've been relying on yourself your whole life, you get used to it. I'm like a jigsaw puzzle. Nobody can piece me together.

I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. I've spent most of my life in silence. Sometimes, I have no words, the feelings I have are so strong, valid, but all you hear is silence. Screaming in silence. I've been the girl who's felt so alone in a room full of people. I've been hurt so many times before and now I'm used to it. I have endured. I have been broken. I have lost myself. But there I stand, still moving forward.

Eleven years ago I lost myself. I don't know when or how. I completely lost myself. I was there and then I wasn't. I'm not sure if I'll ever find myself again. That scared little 9 year old girl felt so alone in this world. She felt ashamed, guilty, dirty, and broken. She hides all her problems behind a smile. Behind her smile is a world of pain, hurt and loneliness. You think you know her, but you have no idea. If I could go back and meet my seven year old self today, what would I tell her? What would I say? Would I warn her of the future, of the bad things to come her way? Or would I let her be naive? Because my seven year old self  believed the world to be a perfect place. Would she recognize herself when she looked into my eyes? Pain changed me. It made me trust less, overthink more and shut people out.  Even though I've learned so much and eleven years have passed since then. I would give up everything I have to view life through her eyes again. I buried my pain where no one can find it. Now I'm lost. And I wonder: Did I bury myself too?