Two pieces of a whole.

When Home Haunts

"5 years.", she whispered. 5 years of losing him, of losing everything. It was 3 AM but Suman Tiwari was wide awake. She was shivering and pulled her comforter even more closely around her. Memories of the events that happened years ago came back to her, each scene played out and she found it difficult to breathe. Today marked 5 years since the day she lost so much. Her father. Her idol. Her mentor. Her best friend and her love. She then turned to her right, to see her mother who looked pale, tired, almost like she was disappearing. Her mother was sleeping but her face was scrunched up in concentration, her breathing was uneven, she fisted the comforter, and then she let out a sob. "Mom." "Mom, it's okay. I'm here.", Suman said as she gently placed her hand on her mother's forehead and whispered soothing words. Her words seemed to affect her mother and she seemed to relax. "We'll be fine, I promise.", she said as she gave her mom a gentle kiss on her forehead and hugged her. She stayed there for a while. She then got up to leave.

Suman stood still, staring at the empty living room. The Tiwari house, once busy and bustling with activity now greeted her with an eerie silence. She could almost picture her grandpa calling her for a morning walk, her mother smiling as she carried two cups of tea towards her father who was busy reading a newspaper, her aunt giving out instructions to Damru bhaiya. Kanchan making a fuss about waking up early. It all seemed so real, but then the light breeze gently caressed her, breaking her free from her thoughts, the reality of the situation crushed her. 

She wiped her tears and climbed the stairs, before her brain could produce more thoughts again. She stopped midway as she heard the voices, as the scenes played out again.

"The nation has loses a brave soldier as Col.Vijay Tiwari attains Martyrdom." "The Malhotra Industries produced faulty vests that are responsible for his death." She turned to see the living room. His body was there, motionless, she thought. She started feeling breathless again. She ran her hands through her hair. "Breathe." "You're fine." she said to herself, trying to calm down.

"Your father is a traitor!" she had yelled after she slapped him. She shut her eyes tightly as she could see his disappointed face, his shocked face. She ran upstairs to her room and shut her door. She placed her shaking hands over her ears and tried to breathe. She then ran towards her desk and searched for her stash of gum. It helped reduce her anxiety. She stuffed 2 of them into her mouth, and pulled out her diary. It's been 5 years since she sketched. She would sketch her emotions on paper, the sketches of small and tiny moments, of her feelings, she would sketch those moments she wanted to treasure, in bright colors. Now, there was nothing joyful or colorful left in her life anyway.

She began to write with a shaking hand.

"5 years ago, on this day, I failed two people who I loved, my father and Shravan. I'm sorry Papa. I'm sorry that I broke your trust, that I didn't trust you to understand me, that I didn't say goodbye.", tears rolled down her cheeks and fell onto the paper, but she didn't care. "People say, we heal with time and that things become normal. When will I be fine? When will I stop hurting?", her eyes were squeezed shut and she took deep breaths. "It still hurts the same way it hurt 5 years ago when you came home from the mission but you couldn't hug me, I regret the fact that I refused to look at you when you waved goodbye. Come back. Your favorite cadet is in the Army now, she didn't fail you papa. I miss you." Her chest felt heavy and her throat hurt from all the swallowed tears. Her heart ached and she reached out to take the photograph that he had once removed from the frame. She hugged it and let tears roll down her cheeks."Do you know, how much Mumma misses you?, she comes to the living room each day with two cups of tea in her hands, with so much hope, she still believes you will come back but she shatters each time she sees it empty. She struggles to breathe. I don't want to think of it but it seems like she doesn't want to live in a world without you. What if she comes to you, papa? Will I be left here, all alone? What about me?"  she said hugging the photograph even more closely. "It's like she's barely alive, her condition hasn't improved at all in these 5 years." "How can I heal her, when I'm broken myself? When each night I dream of death?", she asked. 

Her phone beeped and she quickly checked the notifications. "Kancha.", she said a bit disappointedly. She checked her calls and messages. No reply. In these 5 years, there wasn't a single phone call, a single text from him. "Where did you go Shravan?", "Do you ever think of me?", she asked. There was a long pause, she took deep breaths, and she wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "I know.", she said finally. "I know, it's wrong that I want you back when I pushed you away." "But you know me right?" "You know, that I'm impulsive and that I didn't want you to go?" "You understand me." "Right?" "You always know what I mean?", she waited as though he would reply, but he wasn't there, he wouldn't come back. "It's pointless.", said a voice inside her head. "He won't come back Suman, he doesn't even remember you. Quit waiting, stop calling, and looking at his terrace like he'd actually come back." "They say it was just an infatuation." "Teenage love."

She finally placed her forehead against the cold table and felt herself relax. She was tired. Tired of convincing herself, her mother, and the world, that everything was fine. That she has moved on, that she has accepted her father's death, that their love was just an infatuation. Even if she became fine, will things ever go back to normal? Will she ever be the same? She was tired to even think. She then fell asleep.