Letters to Lia ; Olivia Holt

ONE

Sometimes when people die, it leaves an empty hole in your chest and you're left feeling hollow and numb. Usually, however, they're buried and given a gravestone and everything; funerals, people grieving. It takes a while but eventually, you learn to live with their absence and accept that they're watching over you and you go on with the rest of your life. The death of River Michaels was nothing like this. Yes, he died but not in the way I had just described.

Sometimes when people die, it's not their physical being that ceases to function, it's their personality. Their morals, their soul, the life in the laughter and the light in their eyes. Just after summer break, everyone was excited to be back as a junior and to see each other. Each one of my friends met at the same spot every morning as if it was second nature. Four of the five members of our small circle had turned up that morning, the only one missing was of course: the infamous River Michaels. Even in the beginning, River had always been charismatic, full of life and sarcasm in human form. River had been late to school before, but this time hadn't felt like the others. Although the others didn't sense it, I had a cloud of doubt hover above me all day. When he'd finally turned up waltzing into second period, he was almost unrecognisable. The bags under his eyes weighed down his face and his skin was more than definitely tan when I had last seen him. Every other day, he'd sit beside me and we'd fill the room with laughter and he'd copy my answers despite him being a straight A student. All thanks to me of course. However, today he just kept to himself avoiding any and all contact with anyone outside of his head. Even after the many attempts of a smile from him, all I got in response was an icy glare that made me feel so small. Never once in all my time of knowing him, did I ever feel scared to ask him how he was really doing. Often, he'd shrug things off and appear weightless to the worlds worries. Not this time. This time it was quite obvious to me – and maybe even the rest of the world – that he was carrying some type of baggage that weighed the once joyful River Michaels down into the depths of despondency.

Class had come to an end and his once occupied seat was now empty. Lost in the swarm of the halls, I pushed my way through in hopes of seeing him, even just once if I could. It was as though he was a ghost. Both physically and hypothetically. By the time lunch came around, he still hadn't shown. The chatter of my group became a distant mumble to me as my thoughts were elsewhere. Despite my search throughout the school, I'd lost him. My foot bounced eager to leave before anyone else could. Missing he may be but there was always one spot he'd always return to, no matter his troubles.

The Diagon Memorial Gardens were peaceful all through the day and the night. Hence why it was Rivers favourite spot to come to "shrug" away his problems. As I grew closer to his mother's stone, his figure became more apparent. His breaths were visible in the winter air along with a cloud of smoke which was a foreign thing to see around him.

"didn't know you smoked" a dry laugh fogged in the air in front of me. A small scoff came from behind the stone. His head turned to the side as if to get a small glimpse of who he was talking to.

"something I acquired over the break I guess" he let out a long, tired sigh flicking the cigarette away before sniffing up. "you gonna sit with me or just stand there lia?"

His wit caught me off guard. This was new for him. But then again, today hasn't exactly been normal for him. He had looked even more tired up closely. The bags were more obvious the closer I got, and it was clear that his skin had aged a little.

"so how is everyone then?" he asked though his throat scratched through his words begging for hydration.

"dunno, I wasn't all there today" he turned slightly towards me in concern. It wasn't a usual thing for me being the most attentive one out of the five of us. Anytime it had happened there was usually something really wrong. He turned and leant back to his previous position clocking onto the reasoning behind my distant mind.

"sorry about that ha, just not one of my best breaks y'know" Rivers voice was not the same. Often, he'd have a small giggle.

Plucking up the courage after several minutes of comfortable silence, I turned so I was facing him where I then got a better view of his features. His nose was tinged pink and his cheeks ha the smallest bit of colour from the cold. For a moment he looked up from his lap but quickly lowered his head once again avoiding my stare.

"you wanna tell me what's going on with you?" the words came out a little quieter than I had hoped. A few minutes went on in silence, although his eyes had died a little, I could still see him trying to gather the words for a response. I had nearly lost hope in receiving one. He let out a few "um's" and "uh's" but never formed a proper sentence.

"River...come on" it came out as more of a whisper. A single tear trailed its way down his cheek before he quickly swiped it away in hopes that I wouldn't notice. In the end, the only response I'd gotten was him leaning in towards me. His head nestled into the crook of my neck and he'd pulled my arms around him. While I had not seen River in such a vulnerable position in a time, I pulled him close to me the way he needed me too. Holding him so tightly made me feel as though I was holding him together. Like if I were to let him be, he'd crumble into disarray.  The warmth that once was, was no longer and the cold became him. For just a moment I had felt the last bit of warmth radiate off of his being and then gone. As his soul slowly slipped away, the rest of the light in the world slipped away with it. It came with the physical feeling of emptiness and even as I tried to hold him together a little longer with the gentle grip of his hair, it was all in vain. His cries became softer and his grip around my waist began to loosen. His mumbles were close to inaudible and the moment slowly came to an end.

"I'm so sorry Lia" he whispered.

Leaving that cemetery, I had every intention of seeing him the next day. Hoping that today was just one of those days. Parting our ways came all too easily and from the moment I walked in his opposite direction to the moment I went to sleep that night, my only worry was whether or not he'd walk into school the next day.

The night grew long and seemed to stretch itself out. My eyes were heavy, my body was sleeping yet my mind was doing cartwheels instead. The back and forth bickering in my brain was the only thing that made the night feel everlasting. Rivers cries still echoed throughout the back of my mind, each one tugging just a little harder at my chest as they went on. The feeling of emptiness I felt the moment I felt him give up from his physical being still lingered and with no intention of disappearing anytime soon. Of course I had seen him upset before but this was a whole new level. Deeper than any sadness I had seen in him. In this moment, it felt close to impossible to get myself to sleep and let my mind rest. My eyes lingered over the screen of my phone. Rivers smile lit up the room from the small photo on my lock screen and while it wasn't long ago that I saw him, It felt as though my heart was mourning his passing already. The house had been silent for the past three hours yet the noise from his mumbles was enough to leave my headspace in shambles. Turning over to get comfortable hadn't helped either. No matter how I was laid, it wasn't enough to put my being at ease. I turned on my night light, grabbed the pre-rolled joint from my drawer, opened the window and climbed onto the roof. I needed to switch off.