wattpad and my mail are being little shits so i can't verify my email meaning i can't use message board so i will answer (or whatever i need) to shit on message board here.
answer to SEX-DRIVE yes
anyway, i'll try to get my shit together, update and shit but i'm not gonna hurry a lot because 6 different teachers or better said school generally and my fam are beating my ass rn.
less important part or better said update to my weird fucked up life no one (including me) cares about:
yes, i'm fucking fourteen.
yes, i'm smoking both cigarettes amd weed.
yes, i'm aware of existance of lung cancer, several members of my family had it and some died due to it (along with some other diseases).
yes, i'm fucked up and i'll probably end up like Nikki fucking Sixx- ruining my life.
yes, i'm completely unphased by that.
yes, i'm aware i should go to therapist but i don't want my parents worrying about me, they don't need that in their life and weed works the magic.
why the fuck every sentence above starts the same fucking way? i don't fucking know.
insomnia is beating my ass.
anyway, you interested in dumb shit i did? no you aren't but whatever.
i swallowed 6 strongest fucking painkillers we had at home just to see if something will happen. yes i'm THAT dumb. could i overdose that way, accidentally? maybe, probably, idk. would someone care? doubt it.
anyway, dumb, less harmful thing i did was give a lighter to chemistry teacher. she was like: anyone has matches or lighter? (she needed it to light up something for some experiment) and i tossed it to her saying it was my brother's. she believed it ofc but half of class started laughing while other half that doesn't know i smoke was super confused.
the thing is, i don't have siblings.
also at this point shit like 'which rockstar matches your personality the best' almost makes me cry.
sober nikki, fucked up nikki and axl are definition of me and it's scary. so. fucking. scary. i'm afraid i'll end up like nikki, i'm already as self destructive. like he said in heroin diaries "I was born addict".
honestly, i'm just scared. my childhood wasn't and isn't even that bad. sure, my dad gives me painful bitch slap when needed, but that isn't abuse.
well, it's the verbal abuse that i dealt (and deal with but it doesn't hurt as muc anymore) with and it wasn't from friends but my family.
they called me worthless and shit like that so many fucking times -they still do- that i'm immune to verbal abuse from people out of family. it doesn't even anger me anymore, but when my family says something like that i break down and start crying, it's like i'm two different persons: angry, brave, tough when with strangers and family and weak and scared when with family. you may think it's nothing but it still hurts.
there was some 'childhood trauma' in my life too. i guess something snapped in me when my great grandma died. i loved her so fucking much and she died on my arms when i was just 4. i think that even though i didn't feel trauma at the time it had huge impact on me.
to sum it up i'm fucked up and scared and crying and i need to talk to someone but i don't fucking know how. love y'all 🖤
