If I am to choose a song that best describes my life right now, I won't think twice and pick Paramore's Caught in the Middle. I'm not really sure when it all started. Hindi ko maiwasang itanong 'yan sa sarili ko nang paulit-ulit. Ano bang problema sa akin at unti-unti na akong nawalan ng gana sa lahat?
I am Amelia Therese Balderama, an achiever of the Balderama family and pride for our school- well, that was before though. I used to be always on top when it comes to everything related to academics. I had been competitive ever since. Everyone knew me as Amelia, the girl who never lose.
I was consistently the first honor in my class from kindergarten up until my first year in high school, always bags first place on interschool competitions, proactive student, and a role model to my fellow schoolmates. Honestly, I enjoy the feeling whenever I achieve something new... something great. I mean, sino bang may ayaw sa achievements at recognition, 'di ba?
However, what goes up must come down. Maybe I climbed too high that my fall hurt badly. From an honor student, I turned to an ordinary one- or maybe worse than being an ordinary student. Not that I have anything against ordinary students, pero malaking bagay rin sigurong maituturing 'tong pagbabago sa sarili ko. I suddenly turned into a good-for-nothing student at one point during my second year in high school.
Back then, all I heard were praises and words of adoration, but now, disappointment comes with every remark directed to me. I don't know if I actually want my situation or not. I am, somewhat, glad that I am free from the high expectations of other people, but I guess, I could never escape from one: my own expectations. Believe me, expectations and disappointments from your own mind are the worst, like sobra.
I know that it sounds so messed up, even I don't really get myself. Iniisip ko na baka phase lang 'to ng puberty and I'm subconsciously rebelling, or baka I nag-a-adjust lang ako as a teenager and it happened na sa studies ako nahirapang mag-adjust, pero kasi, hindi eh. Nawalan na ako ng gana.
I hate the fact that the path I chose to walk on, the path na buong akala ko ay perpekto, malalaman ko na lang at one point na nawawala pala 'yong karugtong. I am lost. Where should I walk on? This is a time when I suddenly envy Dora the Explorer 'cause at least, she got a map that'll guide her wherever she goes, while I don't even have a compass to determine where I should go.
Gusto kong bumalik sa dati, na kahit nakakadena ako sa expectations nila ay may nararating ako. Right now, I feel like a total trash. Hindi na ako nakakapagpasa ng requirements on time, hindi gumagawa ng assignments, mediocre ang project outputs, madalang nang magparticipate sa klase, at hindi na nagrereview para sa upcoming examinations.
I pity myself a lot. My mind keeps on yelling at me, telling me to work my ass off and begin what I must finish. Samantalang 'tong katawan ko, hindi maggawang tuminag. Para bang pagod na pagod ako kahit wala pa naman akong ginagawa, at hindi ko pa nasisimulan ay inaayawan ko.
I can't tell anyone about this dilemma I am facing right now. Nahihiya ako sa parents ko, ayaw ko nang abalahin pa 'yong mga kaibigan ko, busy rin palagi si Ate sa studies niya kaya ayaw ko nang dumagdag pa, I don't know to whom shall I cry my heart out and tell every frustration I've been feeling for quite a while now. Pakiramdam ko ay sasabog na ako sa pagkimkim ng nasa isip at puso ko.
The worst conflict in life is really the ones against one's self, isn't it? You're fighting your own, debating with yourself, pushing and pulling, confusions and doubts eating you up, and your entire existence slowly burning out due to the never-ending thoughts running inside your head. It's hell.
How I wish someone would come and listen to everything that I have to say. A person who knows a way to help me rise up and get back on track. A person who'll understand and never judge. I badly hope for one, someone who could become this lost girl's map.
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