Old Habits Die Hard

Bruce Willis Comes Back Again For Die Hard 6

A WATTPAD EXCLUSIVE!  From the famously and infamously not-famous Doctor Lennon 007!

*Lone kazoo trumpets drunkenly and then fizzles out*

With an all-star cast, this Die Hard promises to be either the best or the worst yet.  'To accommodate Bruce Willis's increasing age,' says writer/director Tim Burton, 'This film will be a little quieter, a little more . . . introspective.'

However, the Twitter leak this Monday of an on-set photo of Tom Hanks wearing a grenade-covered vest seems to suggest that Die Hard 6 (or, as some fans are calling it, "Not Die Hard Again!  The Franchise Died Softly With Die Hard 3, No Matter How Nice Jeremy Irons's Voice Is") may be more action-packed than its director says.

The cast will definitely include Bruce Willis, Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, and Sir Lawrence Olivier (though nobody seems to have any idea of EXACTLY how Burton plans to resurrect this last famous actor, everyone agrees that it will be strange and convoluted).  Also hinted at are appearances by Gwyneth Paltrow and Bela Lugosi (see note on Sir Lawrence Olivier), with possible cameos by a variety of other skilled actors, including (but not limited to) Benedict Cumberbatch, Jeff Goldblum, Dame Judy Dench, Ringo Starr, Peter O'Toole (see notes on Bela Lugosi and Sir Lawrence Olivier), Tina Fey, Arnold Schwarzenegger (though we don't think he really belongs in this film), and Ronald Reagan (see notes on Peter O'Toole, Bela Lugosi, and Sir Lawrence Olivier).

Kenneth Branagh was offered a part in the film as a background streetcrosser talking on his cell phone, assigned only the line, "How the crap did you lose 57,300 crates of shark fins?!"  Branagh dismissed the entire film as "stupid" and "not worth my time."  (Editor's Note:  Personally, we would love to see a film just about the shark fins.)

On the opposite end of the spectrum, George Clooney asked to be included in the film, but was turned down as "too good looking."  'For God's sake, they included Benedict Cumberbatch!' complained Clooney to one of Rotating Pebble's interviewers yesterday.  When asked whether he was finally acquiescing that Cumberbatch is more good looking than he is, Clooney offered no comment and stalked away.

Whatever unbelievable extras this film may have, one thing's for sure:  I'm certainly not sitting through all the credits!

-- Rotating Pebble, Vol. 73, Issue 3.14159, June-July 2014