Feeling empty I walked the hall of my empty apartment...it was a late-night as I sat down at the sofa near the window and looked outside at the beautiful night sky...it was filled with many beautiful shining stars. I looked down at my phone that hasn't received a notification in a while from someone I wish it would. I unlocked my phone and sadly went into the photos, I saw his face...he was the only one I felt safe and happy with...the only one that was able to make me feel like I can say anything and never get judged. I felt happy, cheerful, and shared many laughs with him. The late-night calls we would have when he was away were amazing and it felt like we were together like he never left. I found a photo of us, with our smiles bright and others where we would take goofy selfies. Looking at a certain one from a few months ago of me and Tom...where he gave his warm bright smile while he was laughing at something I said. It went something like this...
~ flashback to a few months ago ~
Tom - I wish you were here honestly...I'd just hold you close as we would sleep. I'm kind of hungry as well though...I haven't eaten much today since I got wrapped up with work...
(y/n) - Tom I swear to God I'll come over there and whack you with my box of goldfish crackers if you keep this up
Tom - (as he was laughing he said) Good, you better share those with me once you do hit me with them
(y/n) - (I started to giggle and said) Never will I share
Tom - (pretending to be hurt) How dare you
~ back to now ~
I chuckled slightly at the memory of that night, it felt amazing to have someone to talk to and be able to enjoy my night with for hours on end. I looked at the photos after our break up when we still spoke on a daily basis....it was visible that he wasn't mine anymore and that guy I once was able to call mine was no more. It kinda felt like a stab to the heart, to be honest. With me being in America most of the time because of my work and him working a lot in Europe, the time zone and busy schedules wouldn't let us talk much during the day like we used to when we just met. I was able to tell him everything I felt mentally...but it felt like he wasn't there to listen, just me being like a radio...listen but don't take in and be there to help. Because he was so busy with work he wouldn't listen and sometimes end up doing other things as well while we spoke. I never said anything because I wanted him to be happy...I wanted him to feel comfortable and relaxed and at the same time, I felt unwanted and not important in those moments.
It was hard sometimes as well when his promise of coming to America to see me for a little would never happen. Truthfully...at the time it was one of my ways to hold me up...knowing things will be better and I will get to see Thomas...be able to spend time with him and enjoy our late night talks in person finally and not on the phone. It made me somewhat die on the inside when he would say things like oh they rescheduled to an earlier date and he has to stay now longer in whatever part of Europe he was in. When the times he wouldn't talk to me it felt sad and empty like somethings missing, but when I finally would get to see him I would light up and feel the happiest I've felt. These were sadly only brief moments and I realized that this isn't right. I noticed more and more that we talk less and less when work got busier and he didn't bother much with our relationship where I realized I have to end things...
~flashback to the first time (y/n) tried to end things~
(y/n) - Hey Tom, I kinda want to talk about something important tonight...
Tom - Of course, darling, is something wrong?
(y/n) - I think we need to break up...you have been distant, you are barely talking to me, and I've felt alone more than ever before...I-
Tom - Love, please don't leave me, I want you...no...I need you, I don't see anyone else being with me other than you, I can't imagine my life without you...please...I promise I will talk more, I will change, things will be better from now on. I won't ever have you feel alone again (y/n).
(y/n) - Tom...how do I know I can believe you?
Tom - Please put your trust in me....put the little hope, faith you have in me. I will show you I will change.
~ back to (y/n) now ~
I sighed in disappointment, to be honest after that conversation...because he did change...for a few days only. He went back to his ways after those few days passed, barely talking...not being there mentally...only physically on the video chats we had at night. I didn't say a word because I still felt happy with him being around even though it would be only for some hours a day. It was sad how we went from talking practically all day, to almost all day, to sometime during the day and all night, to only nights, and now maybe once every few days or so...I put up with him being like that for months and months...until I couldn't anymore and brought it up again.
~ second time (y/n) bringing up this problem ~
(y/n) - Tom
Tom - Yes darling..?
(y/n) - You have been distant again, and I'm honestly nearly done. You were only there for me for a few days and then went back to the way you were before your promise.
Tom - (Tom sighed before answering) Darling I am sorry...
(y/n) - Sorry won't cut it, Thomas...you don't know how hurtful it feels when you are basically the only person I feel the closest to and most open to and one person I truly only talk to...and you aren't even there mentally to support me as I do to you.
Tom - I realize that now darling...I am so sorry for neglecting you for this long...I will change for good now I will put more time for you from now on.
~ back to now ~
Thomas held this promise for only a few days again...I noticed as well that his walls were intact as well when my walls broke down when we got together...he was the only person to this day that I've done that for...I had more evidence about that when he would say things like, I am not as emotional...my mother's the same...we wall ourselves up from others. I honestly felt heartbroken about that and the next day I texted my close gal friend to talk about my situation. We met up at a cafe and...
We sat at the cafe, drinking out coffees, and I cleared my throat and started to explain what's going on. She was upset that he hurt me as this and she told me as well (since they are friends as well), she said, "(y/n)...I have something to say...the night when you went to bed earlier he asked me for advice about you but also said his concerns...he said...he wasn't sure if it was true that he was in love with you or this was that he felt like he cared for you like a friend or family member." I in shock didn't even realize that I had tears streaming down my face...feeling like my heart shattered right there and then. I told (f/n) about last night's conversation of how he was proud about having his walls up as his mother does. (f/n) came to me and hugged me and I ended up sobbing because I felt completely broken right there and then. I put up with Thomas' bullshit just to find out after a year of our relationship that he wasn't sure if he loved me...and that he kept his walls up and was proud of it...while I was too stupid to break my walls down for him because I didn't want to hide anything from him. I wanted to be honest with him always.
That's when I came back home...opened the door to my house to see Thomas standing in front of me with a bouquet of (f/f)'s. His smile dropped when he saw me teary-eyed, red, and hurt. I walked inside, took my shoes off, and looked at him straight into his eye saying, "You, that's the problem, Hiddleston." He seemed hurt and in sadness starting to put the pieces together. He tried to speak and I cut him off saying, "Thomas, you gave so many promises that you've broken, I don't believe you anymore. I started to have tears form in my eyes again when Tom tried to come closer to me and I didn't let him. I wiped my tears away, looked at him, and said, "leave."
