Alone in the Snow

                She slams the door in my face, the sound reverberating in my eardrums, and echoing out into the chill air. I barely notice the cold of the night, as I wrap my pain around me like a cloak, numbing me to the elements. Ten years….ending in another slammed door. I take a couple raggedy breaths, my breath foggy in the frosty air. I may not have much left, but I have my dignity. I was not one to be found bawling on the doorstep.  I force myself to turn away, and wrench my gaze from the closed door in front of me. That way is shut for now…and perhaps forever. I stalk away, reluctant to leave the apartment, and my hopes and dreams still lying at its threshold. I grit my teeth as my bare feet move from the thin carpeting to the wooden stairwell, super cooled by the elements. The sensation momentarily tore me from my rage and grief to the world around me, the darkness of the night enclosing me in its silky embrace as if to comfort me.  The moon barely peaks from behind a cloud, its mournful light echoing the ache inside my chest. I hold the tears back, and readjust my cloak of pain. I hold onto the anger, sullenly forcing myself to take one step after another that will take me farther away from the woman I love.  It’s all I have left. I will not let myself be found, broken on the doorstep. I will not beg, despite the fragments of my heart that jangle and clatter in time with my stride, cutting wide swathes across my soul. I want to collapse, I want to fall and never get up. I want to beg her to take me back. But I won’t. I can’t. And so, I take faltering footstep by faltering footstep away from your door, because I’d rather you be happy, even if it means I’m alone.