We all laughed so hard many of us held our stomachs in pain. It's been so long since I've truly felt anything and to be surrounded by these people is just amazing. Without them I don't know what I'd be doing or where I'd be in that moment but I didn't want to think of that. All mixed up in this apartment are three of my roommates and all of my family home evening brothers. We have all grown so close in the past two months that the thought of us not Janine out as much anymore hurts.
What hurts even more is the way one of them, Flynn, looks at my roommate Gracie. I hadn't realized my feeling for him until a few weeks ago and by then he already liked her. I'm not the jealous type but to see him move to sit or lay next to her whenever she was there hurt. And I don't want to force him into a situation that he doesn't want to be in so I've decided to hide these feelings. It's not like I haven't done that my whole life. Repressing emotions has become almost second nature at this point. Happiness. Fear. Sadness. These are some of the things I've finally felt since coming to college, things I haven't felt in a very long time and I'm grateful.
I cried over this boy yesterday, I've never cried over a boy before so it's a very new experience. I cried because I knew he didn't like me. I cried because these emotions aren't going anywhere but deep inside. I cried because as I'm finally starting to feel again I have to repress them again to not force another into something he doesn't want.
I've talked with one of my FHE brothers, Daylin, about it and he says that Flynn would be a good guy to have some kind of dating experience with. But the thing is I don't want it to just be an experience, I want it to last. I've known since elementary school that I can get weird and attached when I like a guy so I'm going to try and keep my distance. Even though we kind of cuddled a few weeks ago for the whole night, it was more me laying my head on his shoulder and being close to him while we watch a series of movies all night. There were other people with us but we were the only ones who actually stayed up the entire night. I don't know how he felt about it but it's when I really started to think about how I felt about him. I think I makes him uncomfortable around me but I truly don't know.
So, seeing him here sitting next to Gracie hurts. Sure they aren't touching in anyway, as she has tried to cut back in the physical touch with him because she has admitted to my roommate's and air that she isn't interested in any of our FHE brothers, but the fact that I can't hug him or sit close to him without the possibility of making him uncomfortable makes me sad.
What really threw me off though was when he was talking and we made eye contact, which we do a lot because I like to look into his eyes or just at him when he talks, he winked at me and I couldn't help but blush. I had been avoiding their place for the past week and thought that either I had finally gotten over him or I just repressed my feelings for him, I wasn't sure, until I finally sat down in a room with him again. I felt my feelings reappear again and I had repressed them, but only when we weren't together. I don't know what to do anymore because I want to be around him and cuddle him and hug him and even....kiss him.
Later after we stopped playing the board game we put on a movie to keep us entertained. As it continued playing people started dwindling away. Daylin headed to bed along with George and Kevin, while Finley headed out with friends, and Henry left with Sarah to deliver some food to people. Gracie and Riley headed back to our place to sleep for work the next morning this only left Flynn and I watching the movie as we laid on separate couches.
As I watched I felt my eyes slowly shut and I was lost to the world of dreams. And what I assume was about 20 minutes later I felt something against my cheek. I smiled softly and reached out wrapping my arms around it. I opened my tired eyes to see that Flynn was leaning over me having just kissed my cheek. We were staring into each other's eyes like we always do and I couldn't help but smile up at him.
"Hi," I whispered not wanting to speak too loudly to wake up the others in the apartment or ruin the moment.
"Hello," Flynn responded, not even trying to remove my arms from around his neck as he sat on the couch next to me.
It was silent as we just continued to stare at each other until finally we leaned in. It was something I'd been dreaming of for a while. I just wanted to feel his lips on mine.
Then I felt a poking on my arm as my eyes started to blink and it was greeted by the light of the kitchen and Flynn looking down at me. "It's time to go," He says before walking away to get ready for bed.
And it's still a dream.
I collect my stuff from around their living room and look back at him as I step up to the front door. I look back at him making eye contact like always. I give him a small smile before saying, "Goodnight." I head out the door into the cold night and walk back to our place. I don't know what I'm doing, I really need to stop these feelings. It's so hard to like someone you know doesn't like you.
