Deep Shadow

IV

There’s something refreshing about being on a rooftop. Maybe because it’s the perfect balance, between the confines of a city and the freedom of the open air. Not enough to make someone lose their mind, lost in the vastness of the world, but enough to chase away the insanity of everyday life. I stood up on the edge of the roof, staring out at the many buildings and canals that made up Avenire, snaking away into the horizon.

I heard the footsteps before he even made it halfway across the roof, before I could smell the awful stench of the cigarettes he was always puffing.

“No,” I said.

The footsteps stopped as Emilio was taken by surprise. “What?”

“No.” I turned to look at him, standing behind me, hands pushed into the pockets of his ratty leather jacket and shaggy hair whipping about in the breeze. “I came up here to escape. It’s not escaping if I have to smell those cigarettes up here too.”

He pursed his lips, but bent down to stamp out the one in his hand on a nearby shingle. “The performance starts in an hour.”

“You don’t say! I’d completely forgotten that as I’ve been standing here staring at the setting sun. I must not have been the one pestering everybody for half an hour before coming out here. My bad. Shall we go?” I narrowed my eyes, arms crossing tighter across my chest. “I remember, Emilio. I’ll be there.”

He wasn’t put off by my surliness, like most people were. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side. All traces of that afternoon’s conversation seemed to be behind us. “It’s just the others don’t really get geared up until you’re following them around, breathing down their necks, that’s all.” He kissed my temple, squeezing my arm tighter.

“It’ll take me a matter of seconds to climb down the ladder. They’ll still be downstairs when I get there.”

Emilio raised his free hand in defeat. “Alright, alright, I get it. I’m backing off.” We were both silent, looking out at the city and the greenish-yellow dusk of the sky. Where would we be without the pollution hanging over the city, turning our evening sky beautiful colors? “You know, the others all think you’re on a war path.”

“I’m glad that I’m the bad guy while you’re downstairs playing group mediator. Anyone else air out their dirty laundry while they were at it?”

“What’s the matter, Des? You’ve been awfully crabby today.”

The truth is I was. But I wouldn’t tell him why. I couldn’t. How would he react when I told him I no longer felt wanted? He was fit to take over my role, everyone liked him more anyway. Every time I gave an order, it was like I pulled out a whip and cracked it in the air. They weren’t interested in the job, they just wanted to have fun. No one seemed to realize that fun wouldn’t be so important, if they didn’t have all the things we had. If we had no food, no place to call home when the chill of the evening set in, no money. All because they wanted to squander away their days having fun. My desire for fun died out a long time ago, when it was beaten, chased, and starved into submission.

I couldn’t tell Emilio that even despite our closeness, it felt like we were drifting apart, torn between the ring and ourselves. Or that there were countless days anymore when I wished I could take Vinny up on the offer he’d given me months ago to take me to some other place like Qui-xong or Majadesh, to go back to the days when I worked alone.

“It’s just…Carnevale. It comes around every year, but I always forget how stressful it is until it’s bearing down on us.” 

Emilio pulled me in for a hug, never doubting for a second that I’d lied. “It’s going to be okay, Des. It always is. No matter what happens.”