hate // ryllon

eight

I don't know what I was thinking. He's high, upset, and I just left him alone for nearly an hour. I said 20 minutes, because I was under the impression that certain roads wouldn't be closed and traffic wasn't going to take an extra 10 minutes on each side, and I was also under the impression that my order was going to be ready when it said it'd be ready, not them starting it when I showed up, and them doing it very slowly. 

I pull up to the house and get out, hurrying inside, only to find Ryan sitting on the couch playing his sudoku. He looks up at me and seemingly relaxes.

"Sorry, there was... traffic and closed roads, and— are you okay?"

He nods and I close the door. I put the bag down on the coffee table and grab the burritos, handing one to him and holding one for myself. 

"The power seems alright, if you still wanna watch a movie," he suggests quietly. I nod, yeah, that's fine. He gets up and walks over to the TV, then sits on his knees, searching through the movies.

I watch him and think about what happened before we left. We were dancing, and then he kissed me, and I left. He seems fine. His sleeves are rolled up and reveal no new scars. He didn't do anything. Good. Yeah, I can trust him. Right? I think so, I mean, he promised not to do anything. Pinky promised, in fact, and therefore I can trust him.

"Wanna watch a horror movie?" Ryan asks, turning towards me and holding up the DVD.

"Sure," I tell him. He smiles a little bit, not very strong, and he looks through some cases, chooses a movie, puts it into the DVD player, and turns the TV on. He sets it all up and goes around the house to close the blinds and turn off the lights. He grabs a blanket and walks over to me. 

"Blanket?" he asks, and I find myself saying yes before I even think of if I do or not. He sits down quite close to me and spreads the blanket across the both of us. My phone buzzes once again, probably a text, and I sigh and search through my pockets before unlocking it and seeing a text from Spencer.

Spencer: Hey we're all worried about you and haven't heard from you in a while, you doing alright?

He's asked more questions and said more things like that, and my patience wears a little thin and I type a quick message.

Me: I'm dealing with a suicide attempt right now, I probably won't be answering for a while longer. 

I turn my phone off and Ryan turns his head and I notice now that he had seen it, and he shuffles and grabs his burrito, then unwraps the tinfoil. He's not shaking this time. I'm pretty sure that he had gone outside to smoke again while I left, and if being high will help him eat then that's fine by me. 

Spencer texts me a few times, each text worried, and he seems to think that I'm the one who had attempted suicide. I don't try to explain, because this situation is weird and I'm not gonna tell everyone about Ryan's attempt, so I just turn my phone on silent and put it away. 

I'm not sure why I had agreed to a horror movie. I'm not a huge fan of them, because sometimes I get a little paranoid for the next day or two, and I feel like Ryan partially wishes I hadn't agreed either, because he seems totally freaked out. Maybe it's because he's high, or maybe he just wanted to torture himself with it. I'm not sure his reasoning. 

The movie is silent for a while and I begin to hear Ryan's quickened breathing. He's panicking, and I feel bad. I move closer and wrap my arm around him and he cuddles into me, but doesn't seem to take his eyes off the movie. 

"It's not real, it's okay," I say soothingly into his ear. The music gets intense and someone gets thrown across the room and Ryan flinches. He begins to hyperventilate and I reach for the remote and pause it immediately. I hold him and stare at him in worry.

"Hey, it's okay, it's just a movie. It's gone, it's paused, nothing's gonna hurt you," I tell him. He tries to calm down and I hold him closer. I gently run my hand up and down his arm and close my eyes. "I've got you, it's just a movie. Why don't we watch something better?"

Ryan nods. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I tell him quickly. 

Truth is, I don't know why I'm being so touchy with him today. There's something about him that reminds me of Jess, and yet they're almost the exact opposite of each other. Jess was more outgoing and serious and yet was very selective of who she spent time with. Ryan is shy, and doesn't care for seriousness, and doesn't care who he's around with. He doesn't seem to be too worried about what's gonna happen in the future, and though it may be due to him not wanting a future, it makes me feel a little bit better. Jess was always planning and thinking and wondering, which led to overthinking and sometimes we fought over the future. Around Ryan, I'm not constantly worried about what's gonna happen in a week from now, I'm focused on what's happening currently. 

A part of me isn't sure where I stand compared to them. When I was with Jess, I thought I believed in everything she believed in, but now that I'm with Ryan, I don't feel like I'm forcing myself to like the things he likes or live the way he lives. Yeah, I'm definitely more outgoing than he is, but he likes intimacy in relationships. He likes dancing, cuddling, holding hands, all that stuff. He likes singing 80's songs, likes smoking weed to help with his anxiety and depression, he likes playing video games and Sudoku, he likes watching movies, staying home, hanging out. Jess always had to be doing something and she hated intimacy. Sometimes we'd hold hands in public or sit together, and very rarely would she have me hold her when we fall asleep, but I'd always wake up and she'd be out of bed. 

Now most mornings I wake up with Ryan still there with me, whether that be in my arms or in bed in general, he's always there with me. We've broken the barrier of me sleeping with him, and though we met a week ago, I feel like this is the closest relationship I've had in a very long time. Ryan is interesting. 

I like it. 

Ryan calms down after a little while but I can't bring myself to let go just yet. His face has moved to the crook of my neck and I feel both his tears and his even breath. He's calm again. I still hold him, just to make sure he's okay, but then he pulls away and looks down. I let go of him. What the hell am I doing? I'm supposed to hate him. He hates me, his fans hate me, and they all spray-painted my ex-girlfriend's grave. 

I shouldn't be doing intimate things with him. 

I pull away and get up and say, "Put something else in. I don't care." I grab the bag and throw it away in the kitchen, then take a deep breath. I shouldn't be getting close to him. Hell, I shouldn't even be here, but I'm not gonna just force Jon or someone else to take the responsibility. He's opening up to me. I think. It doesn't matter if he is, because no matter what, he shouldn't. Is this his way of trying to win me over so I forget about the shit that happened? The shit he did? I'm such an idiot thinking he was the person he shows to be. He's not. That's all a facade, a mask, and I'm the fool who's believing it. Not anymore. I know what he did, and I'm not gonna let him pretend that everything is fine. 

God, I hate him.