Hey you.
Not sure what this is going to be. Maybe like a blog post or something? You can come back to it when you're older and laugh at it if you want. I tried keeping a diary and just found that I keep on losing it. Seriously, I've gone through 3 notebooks already. Also, I don't even trust myself to put anything vulnerable in there. Mom is nosey, you know how it is. Anyways, who cares about all that.
I need to talk to someone. Too bad there's no one to talk to. That's why I'm writing this. It's 2:40am right now and I can't stop panicking.
I don't want to grow up. That shit is scary. I am a bit pathetic, I know. People are dying and starving and being murdered, but I can't stop feeling sad about myself because I'm scared to grow up. Boo-Hoo.
I keep on trying to fit myself in this perfect mold. I'm a senior this year. I've stacked up with 4 AP's and my GPA a solid 4.4 as of now. I thought that was enough until I found out that it's not nearly enough. I'm on the pre-med track for college, but I don't even know if I want that. I feel like I'm just trying to appease my parents. Everyone expects great things from me, and I don't know if I'm even capable of all that.
I want to be important.
I feel so empty. Does anything even matter? Wake up, eat, work, repeat. I don't want that. I want to be different. The odds of that actually happening...? Not high.
Im forcing myself to become a doctor even though I'm not passionate about that. I know that I will succeed, but is success really what I want. I just want to be happy. But what the fuck even is happiness?
God, why am I getting so deep. This isn't even that deep, I think im just full of shit. I don't care though.
My parent's don't think mental illness is real. Where they grew up... it just wasn't a thing. Now, I am not going to say that I'm mentally ill. I definitely am not. I just get into these very low lows, and I wish I could ask for help. But who do I ask? My family won't understand, and my friends won't view me the same. I've kept the bubbly optimistic facade up since 8th grade, I'm not going to let it go yet.
I'm so depressing. I better not still be like this by the time you're reading this. I expect to be happier.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts. I think I'm just feeling this because its 3am and my thoughts have started to wander. I usually distract myself by sleeping. I love sleeping. It feels like it's the only peace I have sometimes. Why am I so dramatic? I'm so privileged, my whole life has been peaceful. I've never had to worry about money, food, my life, or anything like that. Everything has been handed to me on a silver plate. And, I'm still complaining. Pathetic, right?
I guess that stupid saying is true. "you'll never be satisfied grass is greener on the other side blah blah blah" whatever. I don't care.
I have goals and ambitions. But, I'm not sure they're mine. Does that even make sense? I've made this perfect little plan for who I should be, and who everyone thinks I should be; but, I know deep down that it's not truly for me.
That made no sense but I don't care.
I hope you still listen to Joji when you are reading this.
I'm so lonely. I don't mind it though. It's ironic. I actually have quite a lot of friends, but I just don't feel like me when Im with them. It's like a shell of me. I'm watching this shell convince them I'm me, but I know it's not. I wish someone could understand. But, why would I want to burden someone with my pathetic problems? Everyone already has their own problems. REAL PROBLEMS. Like having to pay bills, raise kids, working, and all that. I can't believe I have to do that shit in the future. I don't want to. But I should, right?
I need motivation. But I don't even know what motivates me. I hate this whole Covid shit. I can't be alone with my thoughts for this long. It's driving me crazy. Pathetic. I need another distraction.
One day, I want to jump. But I just want to keep falling, continuously. I imagine it to be a tranquil feeling, like a cloudless sky.
Have you found how to keep falling yet? Please tell me you have.
I'll go to bed now. Love you.
