Endless Rain Into A Paper Cup

Life is fatal

I remember the first day I met Clay. We were in 7th grade; only 12 years old. I was a new girl at his school. He was the first person to really try to really communicate or reach out to me. I figure now, he'll never know how much I appreciated that. 

That first week at that school was terrible, but Clay always made it better somehow. We would always pass notes in math class, which probably explained why I failed. We sat together in every class, and even at lunch. He was one of the few people that even noticed me at that school. Even though I adored Clay, after 4  months I couldn't bare another day in that school, and switched schools yet again.

The years began to pass, and clay and I spoke less and less. After 5 years, I can never speak to Clay again, even if I tried.

I know it doesn't take courage for your neck to break and instently die in a car accident, but to think that a 17 year old boy is now not on this earth, at such a young age.. seems brave -in my eyes anyway.  I know that right now, I'm not ready and frankly, i'm terrified of death. That's just the essential fear of the unknown; the one fear that everyone shares. Not knowing is the scariest of all things. Otherwise, haunted house's you pay for every halloween wouldnt be scary. The movie "Signs" is about aliens, in a small town in Pennsylvania, but you hardly see them, but you still clench to the couch the entire time. This is all fear of not knowing what will happen next, or not knowing the answers to. 

I remember being a little girl, holding my grandmothers hand, while visiting her sister's grave one sunday. I leaned down, and put a flower next to the stone. I was hit by an over-welming sinking in my chest; grief. I looked up to my grandmother, confused by the very unmistakable feeling of being so tiny and insignificant to the world. I asked her "Why am I alive? And what is it like to die?" I don't know why I expected her to know the answers to these questions. Perhaps because I was probably only four years old. She didn't know the answer, and all she could do was hug me, as tears streamed down her face.

I never would have thought back then that those same questions would be ones that would linger in the back of my mind to this very day. I'm not alone though. Everyone wants these answers, but they come at a fatal price.

It's funny, because everyone has a desire for answers, but agian, they're terrified to find them. Most people turn to religion to answer these questions. They dedicate their entire lives  to a certain religion, hoping that the picture their book of worship paints for them of the after life is what they'll get.  But I suppose this is all to just comfort themselves. 

I am not an atheist; I do not even believe in the devil. I believe that every religion has a bit of truth behind it. I will admit, I am more of a spiritualist; If anything.

Man kind really is a useless race. We go our years with no purpose, waiting for death to take us. Sure, we pretend we have a purpose by picking a career, but even that is not a REAL purpose for our life.  We start surrounding our lives by problems, that we create. We need these problems to occupy our lives though, these thoughts and Petty opsticals keep our minds dormant, and stuck only on our small issues. This blocks out the BIG thoughts; the REAL ones, that actually matter. The same thoughts I had while visiting the grave, so many years ago. But, in the end, only one thing in life is certain, Life is Fatal.