Letters To Emily

Tangible

November 19th
"Paterson, baby. Can we talk about something this morning? I have an announcement to make", Laura says as she strides into the living room with black paint smeared across her face. Laura is always painting something. Our apartment is less blue every day. Odd abstract shapes have taken over everything we own.
"What's that honey?", I ask while internally bracing myself for her next endeavor.
"I want to be an actress. There are acting lessons available down at the local theater. It's only 175 dollars for a month's worth of lessons. I could be in a production in just a couple months if I'm any good. You know how I read a lot right? I get so into the characters that I read. I think I would be great at memorizing the lines and conveying the emotions of some really great characters. What do you think sweetheart?", Laura asks me as she finishes her erratic rambling.
I breathe out a heavy sigh and say, "Well you have Hollywood starlet good looks and you're quite theatrical when you read scenes from books to me", I start to justify allowing her to spend 175 dollars on time and instruction. I almost never say no to her. She's so sincere about searching for her niche. As a fellow artist, I try not to stand in the way of her creative outlets. Laura's problem is follow through.
"You know what? Sure. I don't see why you couldn't become a world renowned actress", I say giving into Laura's whims yet again. As unsettling as it may be to throw away money on something that more than likely will not come to fruition, I love her. I will do anything she asks because she loves me so well. She builds me up and it's my duty as a husband to do the same for her.
"Oh darling! Thank you! Mmmm, I love you so much honey", Laura says whilst kissing me all over my face with her arms wrapped around my neck. "The first lesson is today. I'm gonna get dressed and go. Do you have any plans today baby?", Laura asks from the bathroom while she pulls her dark curls up.
"I was thinking I'd go hunting for some new books today", I inform Laura.
"Oh honey! There is this great shop downtown that sells all the best books and classic vinyl records. It's called Barber Books. You should check it out and maybe pick me up a book on pottery. Oh! And a country vinyl record. Dolly Parton or Johnny Cash. That would be wonderful!", Laura exclaims.
"Did you want to write all of this down or...?", I say in deadpan.
Laura throws a pillow at my head and says as I laugh, "Don't be a jerk!" Laura exclaims laughing at my sarcastic remark. She comes over and kisses me before grabbing her purse and keys.
"Ok, baby. Have fun book hunting. I'm making something special for dinner tonight. Love you!", Laura says as she takes off out the door.
As soon as Laura's car is out of sight, I grab my jacket and house key. I lock up and go for a walk. I get downtown and after passing a music store, wedding dress shop, and a Starbucks, I run right into it. Barber Books. It's kind of a kitschy place complete with actual barber shop poles outside. The store front windows are decked out for Christmas already. The right window is showcasing the latest Christmas children's books and the left window is showcasing some classics like Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, Tom Jones: The History of a Foundling, and Oliver Twist. I enter the store and there's a blonde woman at the counter, a young man stocking and organizing the records, and a handful of people browsing. I walk to the back of the store where the art books are. I don't want to forget Laura's request. I find a decent size book on pottery and then I go over to the vinyl records and find a Johnny Cash album, but unfortunately, no Dolly. I peruse the aisles and end up in the far left back corner of the store. It's the poetry aisle and I skim through a few books. I find a book with a collection of classic sonnets and one small haiku collection.
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I step out of the stock room with a new shipment of romantic novels. Not to be confused with romance novels, these books actually have a plot and more often than not,  end in tragedy. Think more Romeo and Juliet than Fifty Shades of Grey. At the very least, they are a slow burn. As I'm unpacking this shipment onto the shelves, I see him through the shelf in the next aisle. My heart rises up into my throat and my mouth is dry. I panic at first and then I calm myself and pray that he won't see me. I hadn't given him any poems since October. He, however, has flooded my mailbox with exquisite poetry. I have poems I've written, but I'm afraid he will see the heartbreak underlying in the text.
I start stocking the shelves at a furiously fast pace, hoping beyond hope that he will not come to this aisle. I happen to glance up at the wrong time and our eyes meet in the space between the tops of the books and the top of the shelf row. I avert my eyes as if somehow I'll disappear.
"Emily?", Paterson asks as I start to back away and retreat into the stock room. Paterson is too quick. He follows me into the back room.
I turn to him and say, "You can't be back here Paterson. Employees only."
"Why haven't I seen you on the bus lately? Are you ok? I've missed your poems. Did you get mine?", he asks a multitude of questions and I feel cornered. He looks absolutely adorable in his white t shirt and open blue plaid shirt. He's wearing navy trousers and that damn stray strand of hair that flops into his face is making him completely irresistible.
"I decided to go on walks for my inspiration. I really need the exercise. Fresh air is good for you. Also, I did get your poems and they are great. So... nice catching up with you Paterson. See you around. I have to get back to work", I say as I try to brush him off and walk past him. He grabs my wrist and stops me.
"Wait. Is this because I told you about Laura? You said we could still be friends and now you're running away. If you don't want to be friends anymore, just say so. I'll understand", Paterson says so sincerely and in my personal space where I can see the green and gold in his brown eyes.
"It's not because you told me about Laura. It's because you're with Laura and not me. I'm jealous, ok? That first day, I thought I'd be able to deal with it, but I can't. I think about you all the time and it makes me physically ill to think about you with someone else. I've purposefully kept my distance and I'm sorry, ok?"
There's a fleeting moment of calm and Paterson lets go of my arm. His eyes meet mine again and they are pleading and desperate. I know my eyes match his own. Suddenly Paterson's lips are on mine and my back is pressed against a wall of boxes. Both of his hands are on either side of my face as his shoulders are hunched upwards as he tastes and savors my lips and tongue. I've given myself over to this kiss. I've surrendered to this man and I'm melting. I grip at his shirt at his sides. Nothing has ever felt more right. His hands slide down from my face to my chest and he grasps at my breasts clad in a white t shirt and black suspenders. The suspenders slide off my shoulders and now hang at the sides of my hips. Paterson is kissing my neck and returns to my mouth as I reach for his belt. When I start to unzip his pants, he pulls away suddenly and says, "Wait, wait. I can't."
"Right. This is wrong. We can't. I really want to, but you're right. Just go home Paterson", I say breathless and pulling my suspenders back onto my shoulders.
"Emily, I'm so sorry. I love Laura. I wish... I don't know what I wish", Paterson says with teary eyes.
It causes  me to tear up too. "You love me too, but you're committed. Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Laura. She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve this. See you around Paterson. The poems were lovely. Make your purchases and go home. I have to get back to work", I say as I walk back out to the shelves I was stocking.
Paterson walks out of the stock room and back down the aisle he was previously in. He  grabs the belongings he had before and makes his way to check out. I collapse from my squatting position onto my ass and cry into my knees.