a brief inquiry into online relationships - matty healy

I

lyla

"Are you ever going to start packing?"

Are you ever going to stop antagonizing me? I thought.

"You do realize that I'm not going for another month, I don't even start work for a month and a half. I have all the time in the world to pack." I rolled my eyes.

It wasn't even like I was taking much to London with me. I had already purchased new furniture that would arrive a day or two after I got there. It was only clothes and a few small items from home, but nothing big. I was definitely not the materialistic type, if you couldn't already tell.

"Don't roll your eyes. You shouldn't be giving me attitude like this, I can change my mind and not let you go."

I scoffed. Nia had always acted like this towards me, and I'm sure that some of it was out of love, but really most of her attitutde and hostility towards me was her way of subconsciously dealing with the physical absence of our parents.

When we were kids, we were fortunate enough to never worry about when our next meal would be, or if we would have a warm bed to sleep in. Unfortunately, these things came with parents that were never really there for us. Our mom and dad worked hard for the things they had and what they gave us, but physically and emotionally they were always distant. So, Nia being the oldest of five kids took on a motherly role at a young age. She had way too much responsibility thrown at her at such a young age, and the emotional baggage that came along with that was finally catching up to her. After working for so many years and saving money all five of us moved out, but I didn't keep in touch with my brothers... only Nia. Our relationship had been straying for the past few years, and I was over it.

I know that my sister meant well deep down, but she did not allow me to go. I chose this myself.

Over the years her hostility became too much to handle, so I made a pact with myself. As soon as I could I would go to school and move far, far away.

Which leads to now.

I was packing up my small one bedroom apartment in St Louis, Illinois, and moving to London. I managed to graduate with a degree in business marketing, and had applied all over the world. Thankfully, my application to Dirty Hit as a marketing manager had been accepted. They wanted me to advertise their clients music to the public, in a way that was fresh and tasteful. I would be promoting multiple clients, most of which I'd never heard of, but nonetheless I was excited to get out of this shitty town and do something that I actually wanted to do.

"Yeah, okay. Cause you went to school for five years and got a masters degree. Sorry, forgot this was your live that I'm living in, not mine."

"I honestly don't understand what your problem is...I came over here to help you, not be diresepcted."

"I really just think that you came over here to bitch and complain."

Nia stared at me as I looked up at her. She was shocked that I'd called her out, as it wasn't something that many people had done.

"I have done nothing but offer guidance and support-"

"Guidance and support? That's rich considering you've done nothing but ridicule my life choices for the past twenty-two years. You never have anything good to say about anything! You're always rude and condescending to anyone who does something that you think is out of line! I'm doing this to leave, because I'm so sick and tired of having people who call themselves family not being there. You're just as bad, if not worse then mom and dad, Nia. I'm sick of it. You can leave now, have a nice life." I spoke, years of frustration laced in every word.

"I see how it is." Nia said, grabbing her purse from the couch. "I hope that you know, if London doesn't work out we won't be here for you. If I leave right now, this is it."

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out." I grinned slightly at her.

Nia shook her head and mumbled incoherent words under her breath as she walked out of my suite, slamming the door behind her.

As bad as it was to say, I finally felt at peace. The things that I said had been playing on my mind for years, and it was finally out of my head and in the open air. Of course, it made me a tad bit anxious that I really didn't have anyone I could trust or depend on, but without realizing it I'd become my own best friend over the years.

From mom and dad, to Nia, to my best friends in ninth grade, everybody had left me. I learned to deal with it, though. Anybody and everybody will diasppoint you in one way or another, so if I stuck by myself the chances of me getting hurt or left in the dust were slim to none.

London was going to be a fresh start for me. Nobody would know of the non-existent family that I had, or any ideas of the dumb things that I did as a kid. Hell, no one would even know my name unless I told them.

The idea of having a totally clean slate to grow from made me giddy. I could be whoever I wanted, make people see me the way that I want them too.

I sat on the couch for awhile longer, a smile prominent on my face as I thought about it. There was nothing keeping me tied to this city anymore, that thought alone was enough to motivate me to get up and begin packing things, some in boxes that I would be getting shipped to my place, and some that I would be donating before I left.

Surprisingly, packing was quite therapetic. I had a playlist with vibey songs going, and I ended up staying awake much later than I expected. It was nice though because in turn, I had gotten quite a good chunk of packing done.

I huffed, setting a box down on my bedroom floor then flopped into bed, turning my phone on. I hovered over a few apps, but not really in the mood for any of them. I wasn't tired yet though, so impulsively I decided to download Tinder, and set my location to London. I figured that at the very least, I'd maybe make a friend or two so I wouldn't be completely alone in the new city.

I'd be there soon enough anyways.

After I'd set up a new profile, I began getting a few matches here and there. Some boys were asking for nudes, and others you just knew were catfishes.

As yes, the joys of online dating.

'Timothy liked your profile.' Popped up on the screen, and immediately I was sent a message.

timothy

t: lets just get this out of the way: i have drastically cut my hair since putting these photos on my profile.

is this your way of telling me that you're a catfish?

t: of course, because there's no way that somebody could be this hot.
t: but I feel like i should be the one asking you that, love. you're stunning.

I felt a blush run to my cheeks. It had been awhile since anyone called me pretty, even if it was some random guy on tinder... it seemed to fill the void for a few moments.

if you really were a catfish, i'd believe you though.. honestly don't think i'd even be mad.
cause whether it's you in your photos or a completely random man, you're not too bad yourself

t: well, i hate to break it to you but it is me in my pictures. would you wanna meet for coffee so i can prove it?