Heart Out (Settle Down Sequel)

Ch. 8

"in between being young and being right, you were my versailles at night, it was the fourth of july, you and i were, you and i were, fire, fireworks that went off too soon, and i miss you in the june gloom too"

MADISON'S POV

I sat on my bed, drawing pad in front of me. I tried to continue sketching the visual in my head but every time my pencil hit the paper my thoughts would rush straight to Matt.

I should be happy, rejoicing that I didn't do anything wrong to make him hate me. But that's the problem. I didn't do anything wrong. And he still jumped to conclusions, broke up with me, caused me unbelievable pain. But I should be relieved, because he's back and I didn't do anything wrong. 

When did I end up feeling responsible for Matt's mistakes?

I did nothing wrong. I knew I did nothing wrong. I was never anything but faithful to him and he jumped to conclusions, knocking me down in the process. And here I am feeling like I should apologize for being angry. For being sad. For having my heart broken.

The lead of the pencil snapped against the paper as it collapsed under my hand's pressure.

I sighed in frustration, throwing the pad of paper and pencil away from me, it hitting the wall with a thud.

Getting up to get a glass of water, I noticed how my body ached though I wasn't sick or harmed. It hurt, everywhere. The same pain that rushed through me when the doctor's told us Will didn't make it and the same pain that ran over me when I was told I'd never see my best friend again. 

Except, I didn't lose anyone. Matt and I aren't together any more, but he's in the room across the hall. He's not gone.

Maybe I lost myself.

Maybe somewhere in all the drama and burning desire to feel needed and loved, I lost who I really was. The girl who loved to watch sunsets from the hill in our backyard, the one who drew because it made her happy, not because it was her only excuse to escape the world. The girl who was just trying to figure out her way- thinking she knew everything when in reality she looked towards her brother to guide her down the invisible, unmarked path of life.

And when there was no one left to guide her, maybe that emptiness replaced itself with the need to be liked. To be accepted and cared for. Maybe I lost that girl the day I lost Will, I just couldn't admit it to myself.

I slid down the wall in front of the stairs, trying to replay the past two years of my life. 

When did it get this hard? It seems like yesterday Will, Lexi and I would spend all day out back playing around in the trees, our biggest concern was when dinner time was.

I haven't even stepped out in the backyard in god knows how long.

Matt walked out of his room and looked down at me, eyebrows furrowing. "Mads, you okay?"

I nodded, quickly getting up and dusting myself off. "Yeah. I'm fine." I said, turning away from him and resuming down the stairs.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Maybe later!" I called up to the top of the stairs as I grabbed my shoes by the door and walked out as quick as I could.

I let out a sigh of relief once I reached the corner of the street, finally stopping to put my sandals on my feet. Looking around the empty neighborhood with a hand over my eyes to block out the sun, I realized I really didn't have anyone. 

I scrolled through my contacts to find someone I could talk to who wasn't as fake as the leather jacket Matt wears.

My eyes rested on John's contact, debating whether or not to text him.