Maybe One Day

She stands there in pain, in anger, in sadness, none of which she deserves. All of these three emotions are inextricably linked within one another. She is a volcano of emotions, convinced that the fights and the arguments were never her fault. So pure, so loving and so kind-hearted. She deserves the world for all of the things she has done for others out of pure curiosity. She deserves so much more than all of the negative emotions her brain dishes out. Talking to her was like talking to a brick wall, she shut herself off to aI spend most of my nights looking through the album of my memories. I take myself back to the days I laughed and smiled. I take myself back to the days I was happy. I used to train my mind to reflect on these happy thoughts. But now, I think in contradictions and all I can see are the negatives in my life. At the same time I grow older, my mind and its thoughts rapidly change and it's hard to control at the best of times. I drift back to that one night that hurts me the most - again. The pain is still raw. It's hard to talk about. But after I talk about it, I may feel better. Maybe one day.

Maybe one day, I will forget this night. Maybe one day, I will put all of my negative thoughts in the very back of my mind and forget about them. But not today. My heart is dragging on the ground as I write this message, struggling to cope with all of the pain everyone has put it through. My whole body is aching, day in and day out. All of the words that I print on this paper struggle to describe the pain that I'm living through. I'm not even living at this point, I'm only existing. It's too early for this. I'm only young. This young and I don't even feel alive anymore.

The night is cold, however, the room is heated. Heated with her pure anger and frustration. She, who shall not be named. She likes to make herself happy by making others happy. I love her. But the tears that wouldn't stop rolling down her eyes didn't love me. The fire and anger in her voice didn't love me either.

It is now 1:17 AM. The moon is a lightbulb, shining silvery light down on us. I stand in the doorway, telling her how much love and appreciation I have for her. I've been here for the past hour. I'm the only one talking. Nobody else is saying a word. She's silent, she won't even look at me. The fury in her eyes is now real. I tell her how much I loved and cared for her. Her silent actions tell me the exact opposite. All I want her to do was live. All she wants to do was die. I'm always one to tell people to do what their heart tells them what to do, but I can't say that this time. I need her here on this earth. I've lost one of my friends this year, I can't lose another.

It is now 3:32 AM. Why can't I get the message across to her? Why won't she listen? She's hurting, but yet she's blocked everyone in her life out. Is what I'm doing good enough? What else do I need to do? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how to help her. All of these emotions are getting the better of me, but I'm staying strong for her. Deep down, she knows that I care. She doesn't want me to care, but that won't stop me. The fire in her eyes is finally cooling down. I'm still empty inside. I'm absolutely heartbroken. "Sticks and stones would break my bones but names would never hurt me," my mother once told me. But she was wrong. What she said today has absolutely broken me. Her words have sunk into me, and they hit me far deeper than I thought they would.

It is now 4:29 AM. We finally got her to come inside. She's completely emotionless. She has no appreciation for us, even after we stayed up half the night to make sure she is safe. I hide the butcher's knife that she has already used on herself under my pillow. All I want is for her to smile, but she won't. She won't even look me in the eyes. The darkness and the heaviness in the house scares me.

Her fire eyes are now turning into water. Her eyelids are getting heavier and heavier. She's struggling. She's exhausted. So am I. So is everyone in this house. We've done absolutely everything we could have done to keep her safe. And she is safe. I can finally let my head sink into my pillow, knowing that she is safe and sound asleep.

Until several banging noises and loud screams pierce my ears.

It is now 5:02 AM.