Broken: Phan

Breathe

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPTS,  SELF HARM. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERED. I WILL STILL LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE DONT READ IF YOU ARE AFFECTED BY THIS. I CARE ABOUT YOU GUYS SO PLEASE HEAD THIS WARNING!
LOVE Y'ALL SO SO MUCH AND IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING REGARDING THESE ISSUES. FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME ♡
XX

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Dan's P.O.V

It's funny how life starts and end with a breath. When you are born you take your first breath as soon as you arrive and when you die you take that last breath. They mark the duration of our time on our planet and are determined by nature. When we all were younger we thought that was true. That death can only be determined by nature and fate; we also believed monsters were real and hiding under our beds and in closets. Something changed though as we grew up. We discovered monsters were real, they lived in side us and that sometimes when they get too strong they can end life long before nature intended. There are ways to fight it and having people to fight for can help but when the monster inside your head begins to fight and grow stronger; you find yourself losing the battle and reaching for that blade or those pills. You want it to stop. You want someone to get rid of it and sometimes death or harming yourself seems like the only way. Phil helped me as much as he could. I love him for it. All those 6 hour skype calls and long hugs that left me wanting more kept them at bay. I was even clean for a week. He was the only person who got me to stop for a short while and when I did he was proud. So proud.  When I relapsed you could see the hurt in his eyes but he still supported me. I fell deeper in love with him. He became a light in the dark for me. It was okay for a few months until I spiralled down into the abyss and ended up where I am now. Hospital.  A drip in  my bandaged arms and a sleeping Phil sitting next to me. His pale face is tear streaked and his ebony hair tangled. His hands are grasping mine, his fingers on my wrist like they're looking for a pulse to check I'm still here. It's comforting him. You can see the sadness on his face and the fear behind a smile. It's not his fault he found me on my bathroom floor. It's my fault for putting myself there. I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have taken those pills and cut my wrists like that but all I could think of was the peace I might feel for once. i didn't want him to find me, I locked the door but he kicked it down. I was unconscious and barely breathing when he found me. I was so close to the end but I didn't take that final breath. The nurse asked me after I woke up if I wanted to die. I said said yes. Phil was next to me and I saw his face crumpled as he twisted his hands in his hair. I saw the flash of panic and terror in his eyes and my heart broke just that little bit more. I loved him but would never be good enough. I hated myself for it. I looked at Phil again.
You're a worthless piece of rubbish Dan. You don't deserve to be here.

The voice in my head continued to scream at me, tears rolled down my face as I muttered to myself No.

"No. No . No. No. NO" I began to talk louder and yelled. I clasped my hands over my ears rocking backwards and fowards. I removed a hand to try and rip the bandage off. Phil's eyes  snapped open and he leapt up and held my hands to try and stop them from clawing at my arms. Nurses came rushing out of their office and tried to calm me. Phil kissed my forehead and whispered sweet words in my ears. Telling me how we we're going to move in together and be big youtubers. With every word the monster inside me grew quieter. The voice in my head a mere whisper until dissapearing completely. It wasn't permanent but it was still good.  The nurses re bandaged my arms and Phil continued to rock me. I sobbed into his chest. As I thought about how I was hurting him. It made the need of that serenity. That last breathe became a desire. I knew it would hurt him. But it could hurt him as much as I was now.