Doubt

6.

Madara:

2 years previously.

"You know what the worst part is?" I asked the trauma psychologist.

"Please tell me."

"We will never know if he did it on purpose or not." The psychologist was skillfully quiet. "There was no suicide note, his girlfriend hadn't heard him say anything about it... But he had injected a higher dose than usual."

"And what difference would it make to you? If he did it on purpose versus if he did not?"

I thought for a while. Tears burned my eyes. "It would mean I wasn't enough."

It would mean I wasn't enough for him to want to stay alive...

Present time.

Madara:

The Monday after I had spent the night with Hashirama, a girl sat opposite me for lunch. She seemed very sweet, was short and curvy with her mid-length, blonde hair in a ponytail and she wore glasses. She always wore beige trousers and a shirt. Today, that shirt was a blue-and-white striped one from Ralph Lauren. I arched one eyebrow doubtfully; she looked very much like a person Hashirama would be wary of.

"Hi!" she said happily.

"Hi..." I said carefully.

After that, we were fast friends. Her name was Hannah, and she seemed to be different than the posh fakers Hashirama seemed so worried about. Her poshness had a nerdyness to it; she had a horse named Ben who was a Holsteiner, whatever the hell that meant, but she was also very much into games and anime, I found out. Her law studies were only one part of her life, not the background for everything she did. I appreciated that. There were no feelings between us; just a goofy friendship.

"Who are you looking for?" she asked one recess.

"What?"

"You keep looking around you, as if expecting someone."

"Oh..." I looked down. Then I got an idea. "Wanna hang this weekend? And I can tell you."

Her face lit up. "Sure!"

She invited me to her parents ginormous mansion. Seemed Hannah really was posh, I couldn't help but notice. But her parents were incredibly kind and warm people, and welcomed me with open arms, despite my looks. I wondered what kind of friends Hannah usually took home.

"So..." she stood in the hallway and handed me a horse-riding helmet.

"Nuhh-uhh", I said, making an X with my arms, firmly shaking my head. "There's just no way in hell I'm gonna-"

Half an hour later, I found myself on top of Ben while he walked peacefully in the woods. He was ginormous, but very calm and kind. Hannah rode next to me on the family pony.

"You enjoy it up there?" she asked.

"Whaaaaaaat?" I yelled. "I can't heaaaar youuuuuu! You're so far doooooown!"

Hannah snorted.

In the evening, we sat in the salon of the mansion, just the two of us, no light but that from the fireplace. We each had a mug of tea, and held out sticks with marshmallows in them, making s'mores.

"So..." she began. "Who were you looking for in the corridor."

I smiled. "His name is Hashirama Senju.

To my great surprise, she choked on the s'mores she was munching and started to cough and sputter.

"What?" I asked.