Regrets

Im a mess

I'm a mess
I'm annoying
I'm loud
I'm useless
I'm a burden
I'm a waste of time
And most importantly I'm ungrateful

I have a lot of good things in my life like a few friends who care about me and siblings who aren't complete ass's all of the time
But I want more ....

I want my parents to still be together , and I want my mom to stop drinking, I want my family to except me for who I am and stop trying to change me, and what I really want is to figure out love.

When I think of love I think of holing hands and cuddling kisses, good morning's and goodnight's, I think of walks on the beach and dates to the movie but what I mostly think of is marriage.

But when I think of marriage I think of arguments and divorce. Maybe it's just me but I'm sacred of falling in love. Don't get me wrong I want hugs and kisses I want to be held and do the holding I want to talk to someone on face time for hours and not worry about hanging up cause I don't want them to see my sleeping face. I want love but I'm just as scared of it.

"What if they get hurt what if they don't really love you. What if they are telling their friends about how pathetic you are. You don't deserve them. Your ugly. Your annoying. Your incapable of doing anything right. They hate you. They hate you. They hate you."

It never stops the words telling me I'm not enough. I hate it. I can't imagine myself in a relationship without getting hurt. And I guess that's the scariest part. Not knowing whether your right or not.

I was in this relationship with a person named Jenna. Jenna was beautiful and kind she was smart and funny but mostly Jenna was depressed. She hated herself she had family problems and Jenna cut a lot I tried to stop her. in in the 9 months we dated she tried to end her life 4 times and 3 out of the 4 I stoped her before she even attempted but one time I couldn't. We got over a argument over a stupid color. She said I didn't know her and quizzed me on her favorite color I said green.

And she said red.

I hate lies and she had told me just the day before that it was green so I got mad. I hate myself every day for getting mad. I didn't yell I just said I'm not gonna text anyone for a while. She tried to over dose two days later she said "goodbye" . I texted her all night to please be alive and I prayed for the first time in years I would give up anything just for her to be alive. And she was. She said she was fine and she would be in a mental hospital for a month so I waited and when she came out we started talking every day I checked in made sure she was alive told her to tell me if anything happened and she did.

But one day I got self conscious I started thinking thoughts like "she hates you" "she doesn't want to be with you" so I asked "you wanna break up?" and she after a while of stalling said yes I pretended it didn't faze me that I didn't care but I did, I cared a lot. I didn't cry god knows I struggle with the crying aspect of depression but I just laid in bed and thought "if I didn't ask would we still be together?"

Theres a lot of things wrong with me. I'm not attractive, my hair is a huge curly mess, I can't keep my thoughts in my head, I self harm, I want to die a lot of the time and I can't even admit some of these things to myself but my main flaw is.

I'm a mess

Authors note: yes this a real story and it's mine I changed my ex's name for privacy reasons. I hope you enjoy my depressing love life. And I'm mostly writing in this to let out steam but if you do enjoy my writing please do leave a comment.

Love, your author
Jay