Regrets

Love

Love is a weird thing.
My mom likes to say she loves me.
But sometimes that's hard to believe.
I think she loves to boss me around.

My mom likes to drink. She drinks after work and on weekends. She drinks in the morning and at night. To say the least she drinks a lot.

I never understood how someone could like alcohol. When o was ten I accidentally took a sip of my moms beer thinking it was soda to say the least it wasn't soda. It was bitter and tasted like what tide smells like. It made my stomach burn and I really hated it. From then on I promised myself I would never drink.

When my mom drinks she isn't very smart she yells at me and sometimes even hits me but I can't seem to blame her for it. I always end up forgiving her.

One time my mom drank a lot. She was talking to my sister and my sister looked uncomfortable so like the older sister I am I told my mom that she needed to back off. My mom didn't like that. She started hitting me with a hanger and then her hand. After awhile I got annoyed and I started hitting her back. I kicked her off and I punched her and she pulled my hair it got bad and my brother pulled us off of each other. My mom was crying. And I felt bad. Really bad

I had every right to hit back right. My mom gave birth to me but it's not like I asked her too, I would be fine with not being alive honestly I think it would be for the better. It's not like I want to be alive I wish I wasn't. I really wish I wasn't.

The next day my mom said she loved me as she left for work. Is this what love was. Hitting someone for standing up for themselves or someone else. Drinking the day away while the person you "love" hides in the room not wanting to deal with what you have to say. Because if this is what love is...

I never want to "love" or be "loved" by anyone ever.

I hope no one ever "loves" me again.

Love is such a weird thing.