The Difference Between Love & Lust 《Corpsekkuno》

Prologue

It cut deep. Deeper than any knife ever could. It seeped into my bones and made me numb. Survival became impossible, but necessary. The only thing that could counterract the bone crushing, internal numbing of the crisp, cold air and the strong, warm arms of the one that used to hold me close.

Darkness settled along my bare room, shadows dancing on the walls with the passing of every car. The wind howled in the trees, the scent of fresh air snaking into my room through the open window as I lay in bed, lost within the confines of my own mind.

The clock read 3 A.M, but it felt later than that. I mentally prepared myself for the upcoming hours; I needed desperately to go grocery shopping, but my crippling agoraphobia made leaving the house damn near impossible. Even the thought stressed me out.

I sit up, pull on a hoodie, and head outside of my room towards the front yard. Once outside, I pulled a cigarette from my pocket and took a drag, finding release in the toxic fog as it made its way into my lungs.

I played with the lighter as the cigarette hung from my lips, using the flame to illuminate the darkness. The darkness has scared me ever since I was a child, but since I met her, that fear has gotten a lot worse.

God, how I miss her.

My fist clenched at the thought of her.  She was cruel, awful, and cold - she was Satan incarnate in a human body. But damn if I didn't love her. I would have taken a bullet for her if she had given me the opportunity.

I take the last inhale of my cigarette and put it out, dropping the butt into the can. Her face still haunts my dreams; every time I shower, I scrub my skin until I'm raw, hoping to get her off me, trying to shed any cell on my body she might have touched. Sometimes I scratch. Sometimes I peel. Sometimes I bleed.

But it's never good enough.

If I think about it long enough, I can still feel it - the shattering ribs, the feeling of fingers locked around my throat, the desperation as I gasped for air I could never get.

Despite all this, I would've carved a vein out of my arm had she asked me to. I would have done anything to keep her happy, even if it meant dying.

She left, but the memories still cut deep. Deeper than any knife she ever used. Fear seeped into my bones in her wake, making me doubt myself and everyone around me.

Survival became impossible when she left; she was the only girl I ever loved. I often found myself wondering if she was alright, memories of our good times keeping me awake during long, sleepless nights such as these.

I can not seem to forget, no matter how hard I try.

I feel my stomach twist, bile rising to my throat. No, I think in horror. Not now. A hacking cough escapes my lips as I double over, and from my mouth falls a single, blackened rose petal.